it doesn't matter

it doesn't matter.





i had youth mission today with the same people as always. and this time, it was the words "it doesn't matter" that hit me. they were talking about the difference between self-esteem ad self-acceptance. they asked the group what was it about themselves that they were unhappy about so of course i tried to find some physical aspect about me that i didn't like, and i could come up with nothing. i don't know. it worried me for a bit becuse it seems like a strange thing for an 18 year old girl to not have anything about herself that she didn't like. i mean, hey, i know i don't exactly have the perfect figure and all but "it doesn't matter" becuase i'm happy the way i am.





i'm happy where i am currently at this point in time. being with the person i wanna be with. i mean..it's not like i've completely over as in OVER everything. but i am willing to make things work on my part. i'm not holding back anything this time because i've come to realise how insecure guys can be when they know nothing about their girlfriend's feelings. and that's exactly where my problem comes in. i don't know how to show how i feel. sometimes, i don't even KNOW how i feel. it's frustrating at times. seeing that the person you want to share your life with wanting to hear what you feel to understand you better, but you on your part cannot openly share how you're feeling. it's not because i don't want to, i just don't know how to.






later on, "my sneaky one" and i are going to eat char kwey tiao. my favourite. then we are going to buy bra. for me of cuz. i mean...i have set my sights on this black lacy bra that i really want. but i haven't got the time to go get it, so i guess today will be ok. we'll be going to parkway, then hopefully get some studying done at east coast mac's. i don't want to study of course but if he says i should then maybe, just maybe, i will.
then tomorrow, we're going to marina. i wanna get some shopping done and he, my dear sneaky thing will be there to carry my bags for me. (sorry dear, but you know it's what you should do.)




so yeah..i'm grateful. you've done a hell lot for me that no guy was willing to do. picking me up and all...tolerating my CDs- mania...sharing so many things about yourself with me...the afternoon strolls down east coast...the willingnesss to come down all the way in the middle of the night to buy me food just because i said i was hungry (sorry i didn't share...it IS one of my favourite's you know). but, just know that i am really really grateful and we will make this work.

thank you.