paradise

can't shake this fear that I'm gonna die alone and unloved.
it never used to be like this.
no matter what, i always knew that i would find my person.
but as the years stretch and as the number of relationships increase,
i can't help but feel more and more jaded.
it's always the same isn't it?
they all love the idea of falling in love with me.
but that's all there is to it.

i used to be able to tell myself,
Have Hope. Have Faith. There'll come a day where it will all be worth it.
All the pain you've ever had to feel will all amount to something, someone.
but is that really the case?
Hope can be a scary thing.
It's not as soul-saving as the world makes it out to be,
and it can crush you harder and faster than anything else.

Expect nothing.
Want nothing.
Never get your hopes up.
Period.

i can't understand it.
even in those moments where i'm feeling adored and admired,
there's a little voice in the back of my head that says
'enjoy this feeling, remember this feeling. cuz it won't ever be yours to have.'

i don't fear relationships.
i don't fear being in an emotional partnership with someone.
i don't fear losing control of half of my heart.
i don't fear the vulnerable feeling of falling in love.
i don't even fear the pain of it when it does finally fall.

but i do fear,
i don't dare say that 'i know it for a fact'
that I'm gonna end up alone and unloved.
and worse than that, is the world knowing this little secret of mine.
that i am unlovable.
not even my own parents wanted me.

if not even them...
then who ever will...

~

"lights out, trail blaze, the unsaid silently ricochets.

don't mean what we're saying, but it hurts like we do.

the blind faith, the hollow, keep us in line they make us crazier too

you needed in me, i needed in you

and i know that if we are shut out of paradise

for all that it was, it was never for you and i

heaven in here in the wreckage

all that is broken but all that is true.

i know that i found it in my love for you"