that really annoys me.
that really. fucking. annoys me.
i don't like the feeling of not being able to form coherent thoughts. to not be able to structure an emotion into understandable words. that annoys me. if i myself am not going to be able to find these answers within myself, then who else in the world is supposed to be able to???? that fucking annoys me!
i am no longer a child that can be allowed to get this emotionally distracted.
i should know better. i really should.
but at the same time, i keep reminding myself that i need to stop being so hard on myself. that i need to forgive myself for the qualities that make me human. because that's all that i am. but... i just can't seem to. i have such a fear of being vulnerable that it scares even myself.
so is this how I'm going to be then??? because i sure as hell know that this is not the way that i was, or used to be. at the very least back then, some things still invoked a sense of excitement within me. i am not willing to say, that maybe standing in the dust of the past is affecting me more than i would like to admit. when i think about the house, and the car, and the business...it immediately makes me tired. where is my cabin in the woods. can someone just take me there now?
right now, with the way I'm feeling...
i'd be glad to live and never see another face.
i think that... the best thing for me to do right now, is to remember that i need to more forgiving with myself. i need to allow myself to be human. i need to be weak. i need to be soft. i need to be vulnerable. if i am going to let another person into my life, i need to give her exactly that - a person. and not the shell of a person who is unwilling to love and be loved. and i need to remember that it's ok for me not to fully understand what she and i are doing right now. it's ok to be weary. it's ok to be a little uncertain. because when nothing is certain, everything is a possibility.
i need to have the courage to be seen, the willingness to be hurt, and i need the ability to face my fears, in order to experience deeply and honestly, what lies within.
and that's... so... fucking... ... ...
scary.
~
"you looked at me with certainly. i couldn't look away.
took your jacket off, like you were here to stay
chasing your pretty thoughts and your plastic love
there goes my mind, let it go
you're that lace trimmed danger
one day you'll be the face of a stranger.
in intervals you're sinking in. you're sinking in my soul
thought to myself - don't. don't you lose control.
started to undress you with my wondering eyes
told myself that you'd be gone by sunrise
'cause you're that lace trimmed danger
one day you'll be the face of a stranger."
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