when people say that you should let things go, and let the past stay in the past, how 'far' do you think they mean you should let it go. how far should you let it go. or is it actually a matter of must?
i had a dream last night. of someone that is no longer an active part of my life. as much as he was my 'constant' for a long time, probably since i was 15 or 16. we haven't seen each other in almost 5 years i think, and we've barely spoken more than 10 sentences since. but somehow i feel like he's always there. he'll always be one of those people that had a part to play in the shaping of me. i suppose even if life sat him down in front of me, i wouldn't actually know what to say. knowing myself, i'll sit in his presence in silence trying to absorb as much comprehension as i can that really THIS much time has passed, and the distance between us hold so much history it falls heavier than lead.
i hope that I'm not coming across like i haven't let go of that... friendship/relationship/emotional engagement, whatever you call it. there really isn't a term to describe what we had. we went about it in such a forbidden-fruit way, it confuses me even now if i were think about it. certainly it wasn't a relationship. definitely it was more than a friendship. we were almost purely exclusive, nobody knew that we were even that close as friends... majority of my memories shared with him is of him driving to my pool and us sitting up for hours until the sun came up talking, and contemplating each other. it was safe and familiar. there were also too many moments of us sitting in silence wondering how we could ever take the plunge, how we could live out the uniqueness of our love for each other in a way that this world could understand.
his birthday was 2 days ago.
that's probably why he's been on my mind the past couple days. for some reason i never can forget this day. It's not that I'm making an effort to remember it, or that i've got it written somewhere. i don't live my life day to day just remembering and waiting for this day just to say It's his birthday. but no matter how i shake it or put it out of my mind, i will always always always just naturally remember that today is his birthday, just the way i remember my own.
I think... ... if anything, it's one of the residual signs of him being in my life. it's been awhile since I've been in a mood like that. it leaves such a weeiirrddd achy bittersweet feeling in my chest... and i can't really think well enough to formulate the right selection of words that can describe how I'm feeling. to say that we had an emotional engagement seems the most correct right now.
I've always believed that every person you have the privilege to encounter that ends up moulding you in some way will always leave a mark on you. and at some point in your life you will need to go into yourself deep enough to find out where that mark is, and how, and to what extent, your existence has shifted because of them.
and i think that i've found his mark on me.
and i am sure that it has manifested in the act of me always remembering his birthday. that one simple day, is enough to drag up such deep bittersweet feelings, and the ghost of all the memories and emotions that i thought that i had long forgotten are now all back in full parade. and to be honest, it really scares me. i don't wanna go there if i can help it.
right now, i feel like I'm 23 again. those early years of my life as a young 20 something woman was filled with nothing but this feeling. painful tiring depression of all these emotions that came softly and yet hit me hard all at once, and with short sweet moments of exhilaration that went away all too soon. i travelled because i wanted to run from this feeling. exactly what this feeling is, i can't explain. the most accurate way i can put it, without sounding too typical INFJ, is that pain came from all the deaths of experiences that never saw it's life to the end. the death of all that could have been.
heh. i wanna laugh at myself right now. i wonder if i am actually seeing how ridiculous i sound. i get it. i sound crazy. but... i don't know how else to put it. this pain is coming from all the things we could have been, but we were not because we chose not to. and it's our choices that are gonna kill us in life.
In my life, i have let go of him. i know that i have. i would never be happy in life if i hadn't.
i just wonder how far the memory of him has gone when i let it go. and does it really actually go all that far. i wonder... ...
~
"i need a vacation from this declaration of the end
maybe it's time to cross the finish line.
i was swimming in holy water,
now I'm drowning down the river, down the river,
down the river"
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