i guess i'm dating again. but... i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. just a couple weeks ago i had decided that i didnt want to date - at least not just yet, and that i was very happy dating myself and holding my own star. now however, i find i am getting it on with a very charming italian lawyer - whom for sakes of keeping even vaguely a sense of privacy on this blog he shall henceforth be referred to by the first alphabet of his name, M.
im not even sure exactly how or when it started. all i know is that one night i was sitting at Blu Jaz with my bestest friend in the whole wide world having a couple of drinks with a couple of her italian friends, and the next thing i register, two whole weeks (and a whole lot of text messaging) have passed and there i was sitting at Vie Bar with M and a bunch of friends and getting cosy with each other. then we kissed, went out, met more friends, and kissed again, and kept repeating this process until he wounded up in my bed, pressing our hot little bodies together in the darkness. i guess that settles it then, doesnt it. We. Are. Dating.
should it alarm me? should it frighten me how quickly i change my tune? or have i just convinced myself that my tune has changed and that i actually want to be with this guy. right now, i dont really know what to think, or feel for the matter. when he hugs me, do i hug him back? Yes. when he kisses me, do i kiss him back? Yes again. when he sighs into my skin or gazes lovingly into my eyes, do i gaze back? Yes again, i do. so does this mean i am crazy over him? ... ... i am not sure.
one thing i do know though, it does feel nice to have someone fall asleep with me again. to wake up in the middle of the night and feel the slow and steady rhythm of his breath on my skin. yes of course i like him. before we go on any further, let me pause for a minute to actually state, and make no mistake on this, i DO actually like him. i do get a little nervous when meeting him and it sends me on a little high when he pulls me in and caresses my skin with his sweet kisses. but with that said, understand that as of this moment, it's 4:30am on a tuesday morning and when darkness is all you see, and the silence is all you hear, your thoughts wander and your insecurities grow. and so here i sit, attempting to make some sense of this ecstacy that has consumed me the past week or so.
why do i do this though? i dont think it's necessary. if i like him and for sure he likes me, is there a need to over-analyse and over-think everything? of course not. but then again, i wouldn't be me if i wasnt such the little overthinker. and funny how that only happens when i am alone. as though i need someone or something to distract me from my overthinking. how curious...
anyway, the point of all this is, that yes i wanna date him. he is sensitive and thoughtful, a definite sweetheart, obviously mature, and seems to me like a good man. and maybe, just maybe, he can help me heal. just maybe, he could be that one guy i can be comfortable with, that special one i can share all my secrets with. and he will listen to me when i am down and share my joy when i am happy, just as i will for him. maybe, he will be the one to return all the love i'd shower on him, to love me and love with me. and maybe, just maybe, i wont be lonely with him.
and just maybe i'm a little overwhelmed right now. i went from being super-single to super-lonely to super-in-love. i dont know. i think i want this to work. no more boys with issues, no more crying in the night and crazy fights. i just want a simple, normal, relationship that i can trust in again.
so here goes... another leap of faith. let's do this.
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