something good can work

i truly have lived a pretty amazing life havent i? or rather i should say, i've lived a fulfilling life. i'm quite glad to report that today is Smoke-Stop Project Day 15 and i only seemed more determined to live a healthier life. eating well, working out, yoga. i am contented. i cant seem to give enough thanks to whoever or whatever the divinity it is that lies within and around us for providing me with such beautiful memories of life.

i was at a wake today and naturally at wakes, you meet people, bump into old friends that all wanna know how and what your life has come to. and as i was sitting there saying 'oh man, where HAVEN'T i been? my life has been amazing!' i surprised even myself. i heard people all around me say "oh my life is... you know, the same...." and there i was retelling stories from places i've been and things i've done and people i've met from all around the world and i gotta tell you it's... pretty fucking amazing. and in that moment i thought to myself, wow, my life has got Colour. my life is colourful, and vibrant, and i'm so much at peace with myself. 

someone passed a comment about me that i seem so much more still. like suddenly i seemed so matured and well-balanced. not that i wasnt mature before. but like fine wine, something about me has grown, has aged, and become wiser. that was the greatest compliment i think i could have received. 

i think for the first time in a long long time, there is no man in my life right now. save for josh, but...well you know. there is no man here to physically get in my way and for me to plan my time around. and i think, i'll leave it at that for a little. there was never a need for me to 'be single' like some people seem to think, but now... hmm, how do i put this. ok. it was like before, i was always searching for something in my relationships. for lack of better words i had always placed my star in my partner's hands. and so i was always fearing the day that he left and took my star away. but now, now that i know to hold my own star, these men can come if they want, it wouldn't make any difference in my life now even if they did because no one can hurt me. that's of course by no means am i saying i'll never get hurt, but they just cant anymore because my star's shining bright in my own hands. and by any chance should they have hurt me, i only need remember that this too shall pass, and that nothing lasts forever. 

i took me almost 10 years of being in relationships to learn this. and something about the Js in my life always mean the most. Jonathan, Julian, and now Joshua. because it had to take Josh to say "I'm tapping outta this." for me to learn life's most valuable lesson on being whole - hold your own star. 

"Let's make this happen girl,

you're gonna show the world that something good can work

and it can work for you

Let's get this started girl,

we're moving up we're moving up

It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want."