i gave a good portion of my life to you. i was completely devoted. always thinking that if nothing else, i could be there as your friend. as someone you knew that you could trust if things fall apart for you - and things Were falling apart for you. if only you realized sooner that in that process of falling you were dragging me down too, and you were tearing my world apart. it was the one of the hardest years of my life, and man have i been through some major hard times.
i wish i could turn around and say to you that i'm glad you're feeling like this. but like i've said before. what kinda person would i be if i wished upon a sad man more sadness. all i can do, all i Could ever do really, was to watch you try to wanna pick yourself up again.
i just wanna laugh honestly. it's not a happy laugh mind you. not the revengeful or happy-that-youre-hurting kinda laugh. but more of what-else-can-i-say-laugh. when you left, i spent months crying my life away, trying to nurse myself back to some form of emotional stability. i believe that i have Shakeel to thank for that. because just when i was starting to love myself and lift myself outta that darkness, he came along and reassured me even more that i was making the right decision. and i wished i had known back then what i know now - that there ever really was only one man for me in my life, and that man is shakeel.
i had given a good portion of my time away crying in bed wishing i had answers to everything. wishing i could understand why the universe had put you in my life. if there was any purpose served by being here to witness all your darkness and having to experience the pain that was never mine to begin with. but i did. and when you left all i could remember was playing that one song over and over and over again. that ONE particular song. and today, i realized that over a year down the road, you'd be listening to that very same song, feeling all that pain that song brought and boy oh boy. tweeting the same lines as i did years ago. well arent we going through the same motions, just different times? really. how life works in mysterious ways. that of all songs, you should decide to listen to that SAME one song that i did when i was pining for you. and even up till today, every time that song plays on my itunes i have to change it because immediately i feel a stab in my heart. it still brings back the pain i felt back then. and i cant listen to it. i just cant.
it stuns me. the energy you put out there in the world really does get to the person you intentionally intended them for. that when i was sitting by my window listening to this song, wishing and wishing and wishing with all my heart that one day you'd sit down and listen to that song too. and i mean REALLY listen to the song. listen to every line every syllable every note she sings. i wanted you to listen to it one day and understand what it means, to feel the pains the song brings. i wanted you to listen to that song so bad. well who would have thought you would. more than a year down the road. whatever the circumstance that lead you to that song, you found it regardless. you heard the song the way i wanted you to. life is definitely working some serious magic right here.
but i shant go on anymore. i think i've given enough space of my humble blog describing you, describing me when you were around, describing us - of the lack of an US. i actually feel ashamed of all the emotional ranting i've put out there on my previous posts. i hope nobody scrolls through my blog and read so far back that they come across all the endless letters i've written to you on this page. because that would be embarrassing. but im not gonna delete them. they are still a part of my life, a huge part to play in the shaping and moulding of me, so i will keep them. they shall stay up and i will end here. i hope life treats you well.
"turn down the lights, turn down the bed.
turn down these voices inside my head."
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