i promise to love you

what are we doing with our lives? what am I, doing with MY life. i look around me all the time and i see people moving, getting on with their lives, getting Better with their lives, and i wonder often if i am doing any good to myself. if i really am who i need to be at this moment.

i try to do nothing but sleep. because really, what else can i do to take my mind off things. clean my room, look for a job, cook lunches and dinners, clean again, watch youtube videos, watch movies online. but it's those moments in between silences, that sting. those moments where the movies ends, or the youtube video stops loading, or when i'm waiting for my food to cook, and i am for that short moment rendered helpless, that my thoughts inevitably go back to you. and then it gets really hard to breathe suddenly.

i wonder what you're doing. and if you're having fun. or if i cross your mind at all. or if you care at all.

how can my life be anything good without you? when i thought my life was good, you pushed me to make it better. when i thought my ideas were good, you pushed me to think further. and when my head was stuck in the clouds, you remind me to come back down to earth. and when i chose to only see the good in people, you reminded me to see them whole - the good AND the bad. you bring out the best in me, and nobody else can challenge me the way you do and push me to do my best. when i'm with you, i work better, live healthier, laugh freely, and love greatly. but you dont know that do you? you dont know what you are to me?

i dont know what im doing, what im doing with my days without you. i feel abit lost, abit confused, always thinking it'll only be a matter of time before i find my support in you again, but then, i'm not so sure of that anymore. im not sure you even want to be here for me to lean on. to be my strength when i have none.

i dont know. i think i should sign off now. sitting here staring at the blinking cursor is not going to make it write out my thoughts for me. but that's the way i should leave it right now i think. i dont want to have to deal with what's in my head and my heart because i know wont be able to deal with it. i wont open the floodgates for emotional disaster again because i've been down that road before. and oh my god did it hurt. and it hurt so bad i just NEEDED to do something drastic enough to get my mind off things. i've already flown miles away, hopping from one country to another by myself, drastic enough i think. i dont even want to know what terror my mind can conjure up when i'm crying and desperate, because flying off doesnt seem like much anymore. and i cant be far away without you again.

i dont wanna think.
i dont wanna feel.
i just dont wanna know anymore.

"any kind of fool could see i was wrong, cuz i just can't live without you."