i was sitting by my window and having a ciggie. there was a lightning show in the sky tonight, or rather, at 4 in the morning and it was beautiful. it made me pause my thoughts and be quiet. and then our song started playing on my itunes and it hit me. like a huge slap in my face.
i cant even cry anymore. i dont know what to cry about that i havent already cried myself dry. all i know is that if i dont live my life, if i dont distract myself with friends and shoots and whatever, i'll just die. i'll just die from the pain of everything i've ever had to go through in life. just like what Master Kor said when he read my fortune, i wasnt born into a good family - wealthy yes, but emotionally and spiritually harmful to me. i was born into a family without Love and that i was going to have to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that and healing from that and struggling to reconcile and find peace with that fact. unfortunately, or fortunately, i dunno, it will be a man who will come into my life and balance that out for me. i was hoping with all my heart that that man was going to be you. but i guess not.
i understand now why i needed, or wanted, the Lapis Lazuli / Sodalite crystal in my life so much. right now all i really really want is peace and calm. to be able to still my heart and quiet my mind. that's all i want. to not feel so much internal turmoil.
my mind is drawing a blank right now. i'm not sure exactly what i'm trying to blog about, other than the fact that i should write out what's on my mind, because if i keep it all in, it will destroy me. it will, just destroy me.
"car is parked, bags are packed,
but what kinda heart doesnt look back?"
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