Don't you understand the urgency ???

how can we be like this. how can we even try to be friends when nobody wants to listen to anybody. this is not right and not the way it should be. when two people love each other, the only Right thing to do is try to work it out in a relationship. i dont give up and have NEVER given up. no matter how bad the times are. maybe it's a bad thing, i dont know. this is the part of me that never knows how to say "goodbye" to anybody. the reason i stick in one bad relationship one after another and never know how to stand up and walk away even if it's kills me. i have never been the kind of person who would be in a relationship that constantly breaks up and makes up over and over again. in fact, i would laugh when i hear of people like that. because i simply dont understand what's going on in their heads. once you break the cycle of being together. nothing can ever fix that. NOTHING. no matter how many times you make up again. it's like suddenly, your brain and your heart is trained to think "it's fine now, we can break up now and when things cool off, we'll get back together again".

BULLSHIT! fucking bullshit! that's not how things are meant to be! why take each other for granted that they're always gonna be there for you when you decide to come back? or even take for granted that your love is EVEN going to come back?? it scares me and makes me an emotional unstable person and it seriously fucks with my head and my heart and makes me clam up.

what is happening to me. WHY. What the HELL is happening to me. have i really done all this for love?? all for the sake of love?? i dont know this and i dont know how to deal with it. for the FIRST time in my life, i would actually go down to his place after a fight, and fucking wait there like a bloody fool. i have NEVER ever done that in my life and never thought i would. for the FIRST time ever, it broke my heart so bad i couldnt even stand the thought of being in the same country as him. reliving the memories of place we've been and things we've done together. for the FIRST time ever, i am in a relationship where we've broken up time and time and time again. for the FISRT time, i even considered the idea of marriage. after my parents had that nasty divorce i told myself that i would NEVER EVER EVER get married i dont care how much it hurts me i will NOT get married because marriage ruins everything - especially after the experience of moving in with adrian, i told myself never. if i have to be a single mom like my mother, i will. but for the first time ever i considered! i could see so clearly in my mind that there was no one but him. NO ONE.

and yet... and yet, is it worth it?? he doesnt wanna believe anything i say and it's fucking driving me crazy. i feel like we are broken beyond repair and i dont know what else i can do to fix it. this is not fair but what can i do? what else can i do???? sit around as "friends" and wait for another explosion of anger from him? wait around for another round of insults and fucked up words? just sit here accepting one round of explosion one after another until he feels better about the whole situation and decides he wants me back again now.

sigh, how long more can i sit by my window, crying night after night because of something he said. how long more can i do this before it numbs me and kills whatever love i have for life. how long more before it ruins me. ruins us.

i've only JUST found myself able to let go of all the hurt and resentment he put me through. and just when i'm ready to start forgiving and start anew, he does this. he does, just this. turn on me again with all this anger and insults, saying "it's too fucking late you should have done it earlier". but why! why do i have an unspoken deadline?? you played with my heart! how do you give someone a deadline for things like that! how can you say you'll be here with me till however long it takes, then secretly set a time for it to be done by, and if it's not done by then, it's sorry "goodbye and fuck off i'll never forget how fucked up you are inez use your fucking brains you fucking cheap.". how. how can you just love me and be here for me till it stops being convenient for you. i love you, and despite everything you put me through, i'm still here. i'm still fucking here, no matter how painful it was for me. just when i open my heart to him again, he attacks RIGHT at where it hurts the most and where it had only just begun to heal.

omg, it hurts so much.

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?? yeah right. i've HAD sticks and stones break me before. literally by my mom. but i tell you, nothing hurts more than words. because wounds can heal, words stay with you forever.

stop ruining us, please. just stop for a minute and think, please. what we are doing is MORE unhealthy that staying together and trying to fix things up. we are ruining even what little of a friendship we thought we could try to save. you really think that if we get back together, it's gonna be easy for us to forget all this? forget all the fucked up things you've said to me, just because you're angry?? i've said this before and i'll say it again. no drunk man gets away with murder, just the same, no one should be excused of all the nasty things they've said just because they're angry. if we had stuck together and try to work things out, things can only get better from then on. but no, doing something as drastic as this, breaking us up just to rub the wound back in my face, is detrimental. and we will have to pay for this one day. we will have to pay for it with our love.

dont you understand this???

baby, we will have to pay for it with our LOVE.

"my mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalize.

tell me why we live like this.

cuz we are broken.

what must we do to restore our innocence

we just wanna be whole."