where do i begin

i've been all out of sorts today. nervous and excited both at the same time. accepting but still in disbelief. i was thinking about so many things today. running around town and little india running errands and trying to tie up some loose ends here before i leave for Melbourne, it suddenly struck me how fragile and unpredictable life is. exactly a month ago i was on my way to Shanghai, broken-hearted trying to figure out what i wanted to do, needed to do, with the men in my life. it was only a month ago.

it was only a month ago that i was lying in the darkness of my room crying and sobbing tired of life and wanting just to die. only a month ago that i was sitting at the Coffee Bean at the airport with a bestfriend worried sick that i was gonna fly off to a foreign land with a broken unstable heart. only a month ago that i had decided i've had enough of my life. that i was gonna fly to another country to escape everything. escape the memories from places i have to pass by, escape having to be in the same country as you. escape the fact that you are somewhere near to where i am, but living a life that i was no longer part of. flying off the Shanghai was the only way i knew how to deal with it. so that perhaps we could blame it on the fact that it wasnt because you didnt want me anymore, but because i was simply too far away.

but look here. look where i am now. does anybody believe this?? am i doing the right thing?? am i... Feeling the right things??

i feel so sad. so, so heavy. why have we come to this?? why?? can we not find ourselves again?? can we not find US again?? can we please just go back to the way things used to be?? this new man may thrill me, excite me, engage me, but is this really what i want?? i leave in about 24 hours. is this, really, what i want. once i leave i know there's no turning back. im opening doors that who knows, may just slam right in my face the way it has before.

im just, so tired of trying again and again and again. of having faith, of having second chances, of giving 3rd 4th 5th chances. just the thought of having to start over again tires me. it tires me.

"i was too late.

I'm not the same when I'm not with you,

and it hurts...

tell me you'll stay with me."