i know this makes no sense to you

maybe it's all in my head, maybe not. maybe it's my heart that's talking, trying to give me signals. i really dont know. maybe it's me, trying to get used to the whole new dynamics of things. trying to wrap my head around the idea that, it's fine - i can relax now. i can wake up tomorrow morning and not be afraid that i'm gonna lose all that i've got. that it wont all be taken away from me overnight. wow. the fear of things being taken away from me. things, people, whatever you wanna call it. the fear of something i own being lost. maybe it's this irrational fear of mine that leads me to over-think things and to read into every small little thought or insecurity that my brain can churn out. and the more i think, the more it churns it out, then the more i feel, the more i cry, the tighter i hold on to. and i guess that's how i strangle it to death. and then i lose it. vicious cycle it is. wow. i think i've finally understood myself a little better.

maybe its the fear that i'm not good enough to hold on to whatever i've got. to whatever i've been given. at the end of the day it boils down to self-esteem i suppose. and that's where the lesson is truly learnt, isnt it? that i've simply got to love myself, maybe not MORE, but TRULY. i've got to learn to love myself truly. i've got to trust myself, and shakeel, on this one. sighh blind faith. blind fucking faith. but i guess, and i quote joo on this - the man who never practiced what he preached, that i'd risk the fall to know what it feels like to fly. i really would.

so i'll learn to trust. and i'll learn to relax a little. i dont always have to have it together every minute every moment of the day. i dont know what the future might hold for me, for him, or for us as a couple, but one thing's for sure. i will NOT do anything to ever put our relationship in jeopardy. and if that means to deal with all this emotional shit in my head and in my heart, then so be it. at the very least i can be proud of myself that i've got the guts to do so.