Masks

Is it even possible for words to run out on you? There comes a stage, I'm sure in everyone's life, that when someone asks you "How are you coping? Are you dealing ok?" that you start to realize the most sincere answer you can give them is, "I don't know. Let's just not talk about it." because it's the easier to do as compared to opening your mouth to speak, and then freezing in mid-action. Because... what happens there? Suddenly your mind is swept up in a storm of memories and lighting bolts strike hard at your heart sending shivers of pain down your already-hunched-over-from-the-burden-of-love spine. Do I really not know how I'm feeling? Or have the words just finally run out on me?

It could be both. I DON'T know how I'm feeling, and I DON'T know how to say it. I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy either. Whatever it is I'm just trying to get by the days. Hoping that the more I live and breathe in my zombie-like emotional state, the more used to it I'll be. And then maybe I won't wake up every morning and be surprised by the girl I find in my bed, exhausted and fighting this hard to keep it together. It shouldn't have to be so difficult.

The mask that I've been reaching out for to wear before I leave my house everyday has been begging me to give it a break. Even masks crack sometimes too you know, it tells me. Why don't you pick up the Sweet Girl Mask? Or the Tough Cookie Mask? Or the I'm So Fly Mask? I'm sorry, but this Sexy Goddess Bitch In Control To Distract From Inner Pain Mask is pretty much falling at the seams.

I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do now. Day after day since my last blog post I've been coming to this page to re-read the previous post. Do I still feel that way? Yes i do? Ok, then I'll leave it as that. The blog post still stands. But i do also realize that I've been ignoring it for far too long. Ignoring ME, for far too long. Im sorry, I wish I could blog about how I'm really feeling like I used to. But this sneering blackness has been holding me down. This huge black wave, of nothingness.


[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline