mess of a lifetime

[edit/] you could be the one to finally break me.

i just want to stop thinking. i feel like there's this huge storm in my heart. heavy with thunder and lightning, and it's just pouring, and pouring, and pouring. and i simply dont know what to do anymore. for once i am at a real lost. completely CLUELESS. i know im right. sometimes saying goodbye really is the only way to make things right. but saying goodbye, it's just too damn difficult to do. and i'm so, so so so so fucking tired of giving up what i love, what i want, for the betterment of things then suffering in silence alone. why cant i be selfish for once???

i dont know what i should do. i feel like, a huge jinx. everything i touch, everything i ever truly wanted, all always taken away from me at the end of the day. nothing good ever comes out of it. i've been through so much heartbreak, so much disappointment, been put through the same situation over and over again with one guy after another. maybe it's time i stop and think, perhaps the problem isnt them. maybe, the problem is me. maybe im a mess so huge that all them leave for that same one reason. i think, perhaps, it's time i remove myself from the situation completely before it fuck things up for everybody even more.

it would kill me, to give him up. i am already trying so damn fucking hard to hold myself together from the two rejections, so that i could be slightly more patched-up for him and not always falling apart at the seams. to lose him, or what i think i have of him, would tear me apart so bad...i know for sure, he will be the one to break me finally. he will be the one to knock me down so hard i never see light of day again. it's not that far off you know. he already has me on my knees. what with the situation going on being as such, it's only a matter of time. i wish he knew how much of the things he absentmindedly says, hurts me. i wished he could feel how strong his wall is, and how tiring it is for me to have to be shouting at the top of my lungs over that wall to him.

i realized today that i was only deluding myself, to put it most plainly. and whatever hopes i had, he, with one simple sentence, dashed it completely. you're not the only one with a haunting past. not the only one trying to deal with a recent heartbreak. please please please, dont forget that. i'm not making you suffer along with me, so i beg you please, dont deny me this for your own selfish needs. it would break me. and you are, already starting to do so.

"you hold me without touch, keep me without chains. never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain."