Letter number 2 i know, all within the span of a few days. i know it's crazy but there are a few things i wanna say to you and i dont know exactly how much i can or can not tell you, which is why i am deciding to blog this down rather than tell you straight when we have one of our D&M moments. i can be nice most of the time but there will most definitely be times my patience wears thin and right now, sitting here in my bed thinking about you and all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. i'm starting to re-evaluate. starting to re-think. starting to want to discover if i am able to see the situation in a different light. maybe that might stop me from being so emo over you all the damn bloody time.
i know you've been hurt and you're still hurting. hurting from the guilt, from the disappointment, from the bruises and cry-lines that came from that tumble-still suffering from vertigo. i know, trust me i know. i had to go through 6 years of that with Jon only to not be with him even right at the end. and in the process of doing so, having lost everything and everyone that i had ever cared for or loved. you think i dont know? bullshit i dont.
i just feel like everytime i sense you starting to think about it, you clam up emotionally and become so cryptic about things and about your feelings. you become so secretive it's not difficult to see why people would see you as that "player." because players dont tell the truth. they feel one thing and say another, exactly as you do. please, you're not talking to just some random girl you met at a bar. you're talking to ME. someone you know had to go through something almost similar to you, someone who will understand. i know this because i feel the same way too. please please please remember that however hurt and pathetic and vulnerable and guilty you may be feeling inside, i am feeling the exact same thing. the only difference between you and me is that i am able to not let that consume my life. i am able to, while feeling all that, remind myself that someone out there is feeling something worst and is probably still going on with life because life goes on.
LIFE GOES ON. you cannot stop yourself from being better and stronger simply because you are afraid of trying. you don't realize this but you are so very consuming with your emotions. when i hear you talk and hear you go all cryptic on me it's so.... really i cant think of any other word besides consuming. it was as though all your saddness and hurt were put on my shoulders too and all of mine were no longer relevant nor important. now dont get me wrong i am not complaining. this is what i do. i help people get better, get them back on their feet. share their troubles, share their hurt their pain.
but you see, you are not everyone else. you are so much like me. both INFJs. both rare. both with the same capabilities to restand up on their feet and regrow, and rebuilt. i know it's painful and i know you are hurting so much but please dont forget you are not alone. i am hurting alongside you with my own set of pain and guilt but i am willing and able to face that terror by trying. and i am still trying. giving myself a chance here with you is my try. my point here is that i know that your try is not me, and could very possibility never be. but i want you to still give yourself a chance. go out there and find a girl who could bring you out of it. a girl who can open your eyes and heart again to see that the world does not end with one big rejection. there are and will always be bigger rejections out there. this world is so filled to the brim with love and joy and courage. something you seriously lack in. and even of it doesnt work out and you fall again at the very least you know you tried. find yourself another pond and another fish bigger.
i just want you to be happy and to sum it all up, life goes on, so start getting a move on too. you cannot just sit there, thinking and thinking and moaning and crying and pitying yourself and hurting forever because then you'll never move on. but if living in this rut is what you want, then even god cant help you there.
i hope you're happy.
love,
Inez.
"you have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes just to see, what it's like to be me. i'll be you, let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. go inside each other's mind, just to see what we find. look at shit through each other's eyes. dont let them say you aint beautiful. they can all get fucked just stay true to you."
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