haven't spoken to you in a while and i thought that maybe tonight would be a nice time to have a chat. after all, i am feeling a little down tonight and it would be kinda nice to have someone to talk to without having to go through all the small meaningless talk and unnecessary nonsense.
today was a rather tough day for me and i'm feeling kinda drained and tired from having to keep up with everything. it is the first day of chinese new year today and because i have nothing to do, adrian decided to invite me over to join him and his family for some visiting and to share the festive season. strangely enough, it wasnt very festivey to me. i stayed over at his place last night so that i wouldnt have to rush down early the next morning. i sat around his place watching him talk to one relative after another. watch them give me furtive looks and hear them questioning one person after another as to who i as and even though im adrian's gf why am i not celebrating my own cny with my family instead. i sat on the sofa and tried to bury myself as low as possible into the cushions trying to dsappear all in hopes of trying to escape their glances but it didnt help very much. i even tried using the tv as a mean to try to distract myself but it didnt really block out their loud chinese voices. and you know what, adrian didnt even do shits about it. it was almost like he didnt care.
honestly daddy, it made me feel kinda shitty. in fact, it made me feel very very shitty. at last i decided to go to the room and sleep it off because sleeping it off seems to be the easiest way to block them out. i tell everyone jokingly when they ask that i have no family to with and really, that feels to me the most honest answer i have ever given. that i have no family. i am close to declaring myself family-less. just living with guardians.
it makes me angry and hurt to even think about the fact that there has to be such a day where i consider myself family-less. and no matter how much adrian's family tries to make me feel at home it will never and can never come as close to having a real fmaily of my own. with cousins and relatives and a father and mother happily interacting with each other normally. it can never be the same. and it makes me so angry with you to a point it makes me give up on the idea and in the hope of a "family".
why would you do this? i hate you that even though you tell me over and over again that you love me and that you'll always be here for me and that i'm always your daughter no matter what and all that bullshit, you're still not here. even after going through all the shit that i have to go through. after all the falling out with mummy and finally moving in with you, you're still not here. you're still missing. and really nothing much has changed over the past 22 years.
up till now i cannot decide which is better. living with mom all the special occasions were spent either us being alone at home cuz she didnt wanna meet people, or spend with her sisters and friends. and all i ever get to enjoy amongst all that is once again sittting in a corner babysitting all my small cousins while her stuckup sisters talk behind my back and how im such a mummy's-girl and such a no-life person i am and makes jokes about me to me in front of mummy and all she does is sit there and pretend to laugh along. then i just grin and bear it and laugh along till i get home and "go to bed" then i cry all night into my pillow.
or maybe i prefer it now that i have all the freedom in the world but no family. that i should join some other family and be the one there that is not related to anybody. just a girlfriend tagging along to get small meaningless ang pows. and all i ever do is sit in the corner and bury myself with the food and drinks and hopefully no one notices that i dont belong there. and then grin and bear it till i come home to a empty house by myself and cry all night into my pillow still.
im just, so tired of thinking. of hoping and wishing that something will change and that maybe i find the guts to say all this to you one day.
i have no family.
and that's probably the most honest thing i have ever said.
i hate you.
just a daughter,
Inez
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