i trudged back up the house at 5.30am, 6am this morning and for some reason i cant seem to get my mind to relax. I'm tired, but i don't sleepy. as i have been alot lately. which is weird. anyways, sleeping has been like somewhat of a chore to me. it makes me more tired i wake up feeling like shit. as thought the hour in which i wake is where my health fails at full force.
yesterday was somewhat a very exciting day for me. yesterday i resumed my life a student and fell right back into routine. i cant say i'm used to it already but i have a feeling i'm going to be very happy there. finally again i have something to do and for once i can do what i like without having another party buttin' in.
i'm sorry, this is a very random blog post. i havent had the time nor space to film videos at all. oh but on a more exciting note, i think i'm finally gonna get a macbook. i am not totally 100% sure but as of now i was promised one. for school, i hafta have one.
anyways, because i couldn't sleep, i decided to go into youtube and i came across this video of a girl talking about her views on life and on why it's so important to "be yourself." and it got me thinking. being myself? isnt that the one thing i have been trying to do that makes me the most tired? isnt it easier to play a game of being nice and giving in? all my life i feel totally the need to be constantly being nice and giving in. try hard as i may in wanting to be a bitch but...i just cant. it's like a built-in thing u think? that i feel the need to be nice and keep that constant smile on my face. if something goes wrong well then too bad inez, life doesnt go the way you want it so you'd jolly well keep that smile there. take it within your stride. and the fuck up part about it is that after a while people learn to categorize you in the 'strong' category. oh dont worry, she's strong, she'll learn to pick herself right back up again. well does anyone ever think that maybe i just wanna be the old grumpy quiet me? speak when i have something to say and be in my own space for awhile? sulk about something that doesnt go my way and emo in the corner for abit? why cant i just be left alone? do i always really have to be NICE to people? FUCKING NICE to everybody? well i dont. and i hate you and i hate it.
"well think about the lonely people..."
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