ok so here's the interesting thing, i realized i haven't actually blogged in a long time. sure Vlogged i have but blogged?? nope. i have gotten lazy to a point i get sick of typing and writing and sentence construction. all i wanna do is talk and im sure that's what you've been seeing in this god forsaken blog of mine. oh before we go on, viva la vida i blasting into my ears now. anyhow, may i just add one very exciting point? this last video i put up? the one below this arrangement of word vomit, it hit 200 views on youtube. 200 VIEWS!! i'm ecstatic about it. i know for sure my friends dont care if i do youtube videos or not so it couldn't possibly be them. but yeah, if you have watched my videos thank you. but today, i feel like typing. i've just cleansed and toned and moisturized my face so i dont feel like putting on makeup for a video. my eye bags and under eye circles are dark as the moon. oh wait, the moon's not exactly dark isnt it? dark..as..the...NIGHT SKY! yeah that's the word. my eye bags and under eye circles are as dark as the night sky. sorry, for a moment there i linked the night sky to the moon and therefore...you know.
anyway, here it is, officially. ADRIAN IS LEAVING TO WORK IN MACAU. yup. he leaves November....sorry December 16. the big question on everyone's lips is, am i leaving with him. well as much as i would love to say YES OH YES I AM! im sorry the answer is no, i am not. for a number of reasons.
1-i am still schooling here and i have another good 3 to 4 years to go. depending if i finish my degree here or not.
2-i highly doubt my dad would be totally cool with me quitting school and moving over with my boyfriend.
3-my friends are here.
4-my life is here.
i am sad yes. i am not prepared to take this relationship to another level : long-distanced relationship. my friends havent really been totally supportive totally either. maybe except kelly, san thit. 10 out of 10 people who know he's leaving come and tell me that 20 out of 20 LDRs dont work. (omg Heal Over is playing now. i feel like i havent heard this song is a gazilion years.) but anyway, yeah they all tell me it wont work and im scared. i start school in 2 weeks. by the end of this week it's be in 1 week and before i know it i'll be caught up with school work and projects and all and i probably, no actually, I KNOW i wont get to spend much time with adrian and then before i know it, he'll be gone. and plus the studying and moving houses and the packing and repacking and the relocating. im not totally 100% sure i can deal with all that at one go. what if i cant handle me handling this? i dont wanna screw this up for him because i know the deeper reason to why he feels he has to leave and i totally understand, but it doesn't mean i agree and like it. sure ill be supportive, but really, how supportive can you be when all you wanna do is run to him and hug him and beg him not to go.
you know,
what hurts the most,
is the fact that he didnt discuss this with me beforehand.
that i had no idea he signed up this
till a few days later with a group of friends.
that when he was telling his family about this,
he was so excited about telling them about it,
talking mostly to them,
and having them tell him to go cuz the money's good,
and not caring that maybe someone here and decided to live a life with him,
and yet to find out a year later,
that no,
sorry,
i dont want that.
i want to just find a job overseas,
and you can find out later on.
and you can be happy about it for me,
cuz im doing it for the betterment of us.
that you can just live your life under this delusion called
FAITH.
cuz simply having faith will take all the problems away.
it will clean my tears when i miss you at night.
it will comfort me when i fall asleep alone.
faith will hold my hand when im going through a rough patch.
it will hug me and let me cry into him when i finally meet my mom again
and feel fucked up after that.
faith will remind me that im good enough.
faith will kiss me
and faith will engulf me in his arms.
faith will hold my hand and walk down to street with me.
the fucked up part about this whole thing is that i try my very hardest to be as supportive as i possibly can. i dont wanna keep going to him for comfort because that will mean that i need to tell him about it and i know the more i tell him about it, the more he feels bad. and being the person i am, and on top of that him being someone i love, how could i bear to make him feel bad. even if it's just for a little while cuz i now after that he'll forget about it. i knew right from the start when he very first mentioned macau. i knew he was gonna get it. i knew that it ws gonna be the end of everything ive ever wanted to have in a relationship-a proper one. i just want a proper normal relationship. it's almost like every boyfriend i ever always have has to do something to fuck up our relationship. either being abusive or controlling or fucked up or chauvinist, or now, long distanced.
sigh, i had planned or this to be a happy blog post. well, at least i try. and now, i cant talk anymore or i'll start crying again. is it that difficult, for someone to love me and want to be there?
because everyone seems to leaves after awhile.
"and the risk that might break you is that one that would save.
a life you don't live is still lost."
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