blogging seems like abit of a chore to me right now. like there's too much to say but i don't exactly know where to start? it's slightly harder then it seems cuz there's so much on my mind all the time. but anyway, first things first. I've been to penang-a-dang and back. lots of shopping, lots of memories, lots of food, lots of talking, lots of familiar faces, equal number of unfamiliar faces, places I've forgotten and people who've forgotten me. they smile at me, walk behind me and start gossiping. typical Peranakan family. family scandals never go unforgotten. and i happen to be right in the middle of it all. everybody asked about Michael and referred to ling as my mom. such a huge change don't u think? to the time i was kept from all this. i don't know who my family is, not who my extended family is, not my heritage, not nothing. all i was ever taught to know is that my dad's family is bad, and my dad is worse. and it makes me feel like shit because i am, much as she would have liked to deny it, half my father after all. i should have known much earlier. that there was another life i could have chosen.
sometimes i admire the spirit my mother has. the ability to reinforce her views so strongly. the fear she was able to instill in all of us. how we were all caged home and how she felt that there was no wrong in that. you wanna know the most amazing part of it?? that i never knew it was wrong either. i never realized that this wasn't what people go through. that this, all of this, was wrong. and that i was living in someone's idealistic world. where the innocent were guilty before proven innocent, and where fear and pain would and should bring upon obedience.
i am so awed by this whole new world I'm in now. people are allowed to speak their minds?? they're allowed freedom of choice?? that there is a world safe enough for me to roam at during hours of the quiet?? how is there so much i could learn that i was kept from?? I'm allowed options?? how is it that i never saw the world in this light before?? i am so amazed that i am allowed to get angry here and scream the loudest i can. to get hurt and be able to cry. to feel sad and be able to shut myself in silence. to not always have to be happy and perky all the time. no one does that right?? no one can. the sky shines a brighter BLUE here. and the roses i love, they're flushing the most violent shade of RED. i can still remember how she would crush the roses i brought home because i simply have no right to. the sunset here, it glows ORANGE like I've never seen. the grass here the freshest shade of GREEN ever. more beauty then I've ever seen.
i had a dream last night. it could have been possibly the most vivid dream ever. it was of my mom finally finding where i was and getting angry and beating me up. i tried to run but my feet were too heavy. every time i tried to move away i felt consumed by fear and i couldn't move at all. all i could do was struggle on the floor which in any case wasn't too far from the whole reality of it anyways. i still remember how it felt like. i was scared and it felt like it would never end. for some reason i woke up crying the worst I've ever woken up to find myself crying before. Adrian was there. and he pulled me into a hug reminding me that it was all purely a dream.
i feel like i could tell myself to get over it already. i mean, come on, it's been almost like what, 6 months?? isn't that enough time for anyone to get over anything?? get over it pls!! everyone sick and tired of hearing you grumble and ramble on and on endlessly about your mom. how big a deal can it be?? well...at least, that's what everyone else's thinks. it's the reason why i hate explaining to people how things were because it sounds like something you read on the Internet. FAKE. but really, it's not. it's not at all and if i had continued on living there...i dunno. what hurts me the most is that my brother is still there. sure he has it easier then i do but still, it won be long before she starts to change again. i should know best. i should never have to be left alone because this is what happens. i think. and for once i wish i didn't have to think anymore. i am SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING UNHAPPY.
i miss Michael.
i miss Leo.
i miss...being with a family.
and yet i am grateful that i am given a chance to leave.
"down to you, you're pushing and pulling me down to you."
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