Explain to me this Conspiracy
against me
and
tell me how
I lost my power.....
i feel like going on and on tonight. morning rather, since it's already 6.15 in the morning. it's almost become a trend i don't sleep every other night. something's weighing on my mind heavily, i just don't know what. could it be it's just my life, just me destined to be unhappy forever. or at the very least, unhappy for most parts of my life as I've known it. i don't feel like making a video of myself talking now. not now when my face's faded skin's sallowed and eye circles darkened. besides, i could go on till foreve r's come and gone and I'm only allocated 10 minutes a video and that's not enough. what's 10 minutes when words could drag on to create history? i cant seem to place my finger on it. i just know I'm unhappy about something, i don't know what it is. it's a familiar feeling, one that used to haunt me in the darkness of my big empty lifeless room down in pasir ris. the one place i felt i needed to escape. and now that I'm so far away from there, nothing's changed. leaving's the best thing that has happened to me, and yet i feel like i could perhaps be slightly less.......what's the word....lifeless?? I'm not sure if it's me missing home, missing the familiarity, or the security, or what. i don't know.
I'm scared about the whole prospect of moving in with my dad. moving into a new house, with a new lifestyle, with everything new. sometimes i feel like he's not really sure what to do with me while my mother is all too up with ideas for what to do WITH me FOR me ABOUT me. I'm not ready to be included yet into his life. what with him and his girlfriend travelling and scuba diving in some rural parts of the world every other week and leaving me here alone in that big empty house he has. i don't want that. that last thing i need is to be forgotten every now and then.
I'm lonely I'll admit it. it's something I've felt, analysed and accepted, although i don't know what's lacking. when I'm awake in the day there's too many other things to distract me. my makeup my videos, my YouTube, my computer, my clothes, and every other mindless thing to bother about. it's when I'm all alone at night that the ache comes knocking. that i start to drown in this...cloudy numbing aching fear. the most frustrating part about it is that, regardless of how hard i try, i can never seem to place my finger on it. how true it is they say money cant buy happiness. what money CAN buy however, is distraction, and with that comes a false sense of satisfaction. i have the means to distract myself, which is why i believe when it hits me, the impact is harder. and when i fall, it takes longer for me to recover.
i love life don't get me wrong. i appreciate that i have people who love me and are willing to take care of me. i love Adrian for how quick he was to offer me a place in his life so that i had somewhere to go. for that i will be forever grateful. i know he loves me and i can felt his sincerity in letting me stay at his place and i don't feel like he's ever regretted it. i love my friends for all the support they've ever shown me through all the times where I've fallen and not know how to pick myself up. for all the times they've cried along with me, and cried FOR me WITH me and encouraged me. (yeah becka it's you..) I'm touched honestly. and i know life hasn't lost it's meaning yet. i still have so much to live for. if not for myself, then for the people who are next to me and love me and probably want to see me do well too.
it's just that sometimes, in the middle of all the drama i seem to attract, i forget these. stopping to smell the roses seem like an absurd idea and the times that i HAVE stopped and smelt them, they feel like a vague memory from a dream I've had some time ago. i cant remember the last time i....actually felt truly satisfied with my life. i..need to wake up and i need to wake up NOW. i could never explain the way i was fracturing into pieces.
but,
right now,
i'm going to sleep.
because i'm tired
of trying to think
to type
when i'm nothing but a mess of
tears.
"oh it makes no sense at all...."
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