i feel abit...dreamy. abit too comfortable where i am. as though all i need is just food, good music and a pillow to hug while i juggle between blogging and watching youtube. and all that, i have right now. i suddenly feel comfortable with myself. with my hair, and my clothes. and i feel like i've been completely unreasonable with myself about my level of self-confidence. like now if adrian were to say that we're meeting maybe charis or something i wouldn't have been so jittery. it's abit late for all that i know but it's ok and i'm alright with it. we'll just have to wait or a next time.
i think lately, i haven't exactly been the fairest to adrian. in times like this i wonder why i lose my calm over such small things, like being irritated with the poor reception over the phone and wanting to just hang up over that. i should have realised then that it would have been equally difficult for him to hear me as it is for me to hear him. i'm scared that one day i might really piss him off really terribly and when i wake up the next morning he calls and say that he wants an end to it. an end to all the midnight conversations we've been having for the past 5 to 6 months without fail because he's sick of having not-so-pleasant conversations. an end to all of us. but maybe i'm just thinking too much, but i don't see how my fears are unjustified. it's happened before, and i know i'm not the easiest person to be with, to listen to, to comfort, to understand, to love. i just dont wanna be the one to wear him out because i want him. i get it that i'm being selfish in wanting him for myself but really, i don't care. i've never wanted to be with someone so much. to, after so long, still wanna see him as often as i can. and before i meet him , still feel nervous about the way i look cuz i wanna look the best i can for him and maybe impress him. by this stage of the relationship with my exes this passion was gone. the new-love factor was long gone. but not with adrian.
i cannot start explaining how great a guy he is, i can't. i've tried. but i dunno where to start how to start and what to talk about or even if i do even wanna talk about it in the first place. sometimes i just feel so loved by him and so special that i just wanna keep mum about the whole thing. like it's a secret that i only want to keep between ourselves cuz the othe people outside of our relationship, they're just not special enough to know it, they're not worth knowing what's going on. he's really important to me and i never wanna screw things up. i'd never ever want things to be screwed up in the first place anyway.
i'll be seeing him on monday and i cannot wait.
there are butterflies in my tummy whenever i think about just meeting him.
i love him.
completely.
"blank stares at blank pages, no easy way to say this."
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