BREATHLESS

there's a chemistry, energy,
our synchronicity.

ok i'm in a very bitchy mood today. or tonight, rather. not bitchy as in slutty bitchy manner but in a...can't-be-bothered, heartless, unsympathetic, FUCK you FUCK off and FUCK care i just wanna listen to my music so you FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE way. of cuz this is not directed at anyone. it's directed to everyone. i'm just in one of those in-my-cave moods i guess. fucking annoying that's most probably why i'm swearing so much today but yeah, it's me, not you. i was fine in the day. felt abit weak and dizzy for most of the day but that's most probably cuz i smoked like 9 sticks this afternoon with gowri in the park while waiting for wilfred to come. and another 2 after he came. and 2 again just now in my back garden while talking to adrian on the phone. was telling him about the stuff i did in secondary school and how i landed myself in the police station and ended up tarnishing my then-really-clean record with a police stain. i was young then with alot of teenage rebellion. it's understood. but if you don't, then fuck off. (sorry. i already said that i'm in that mood.)

so yeah...Adrian. yes i know i've been mentioning him alot these days but that's only because i've been talking to him alot. ever since we met up for lunch at woodlands the other day we've been talking on the phone like practically every night. and it's just because we wanna talk to each other and not like it was planned that one of us calls the other or something like that. i'll be meeting him again this friday and we'll be heading over to the national museum to spent the day walking among what i so love. ART. apparently there's some greek-related exhibition going on there and i really like stuff like that so you can imagine how excited i am to be going there again finally after what seems to be a really long time. plus the architecture of the building is such a turn on. (you know i didn't mean that.) what i meant was that i like that kind of architecture. not that i know the name of it but once my only architecture-friend-adrian tells me about it i promise i'll be blogging about it like there's no tomorrow. heh not exactly a very good thing huh? don't think you people appreciate me blogging about boring things like architecture but i actually do like stuff like that. don't forget my aunt's an architect and mom's an interior designer so yeah. there you go.

i actually kinda wanna go to the singapore art museum too because there's The Big Picture Show going on there, some visual art exhibition. i'm not really into all the film art stuff and more into viewing paintings and sculptures and all but i know that SAM changed what they display quite often so i know i won't be disappointed if i should go back there again. i've been there 4 times and was not at all disappointed. i just wished that the SAM was bigger. i mean it looks big, but art museums usually have huge galleries and long walkways and hallways so space for actual art still comes down to making use of the four walls. but yeah. national museum here i come. friday can't come fast enough.

which reminds me. i haven't been going for photography for some time already. i miss taking pictures in my solitude walking down a busy street yet completely unaffected by time flying by or people jostling around me rushing to complete things that they know deep down will never be completed fully. see, here i go again being so emo.

but yet again i digress. i was talking about adrian wasn't i? yeap. i'll being going to the museum with adrian on friday. i can't exactly decide if it's a good thing or not. ok i don't mean it like going out with adrian is a bad thing because heh, hell it's not and we both know that. i just...can't decide if i wanna start this casual dating thing again. (yes i used the word 'date' in yet another post because adrian said he was asking me out "on a date" so yeah.) i remember when erin first had the idea of us meeting i wasn't too keen on it. ( speak of the devil! look who just sent me an sms asking if he can call me. heh.) ok sorry. erm. yeah i wasn't too keen on the idea cuz she had to choose that point in time when i was feeling dating-exhaustion in it's prime. i was very in need of some quiet time to myself and for me to rest, recuperate and nurse the simmering seductress back to a healthy breathing state. i just need that me-time. i still do feel the same by the way. so just in case you think the simmering seductress is back out and ready to date and break men again in full force then you're wrong.

each time i talk to adrian i feel like i'm stretching myself. just not too long before i met him i promised myself never to get involved again, or at least for the time being until i feel like i'm ready to be the bitch again and that, i planned, would have taken years. and i would take this time to really spent it on myself completely and selfishly. just me me me. i wouldn't even entertain guys who fancy me because even now, that's just too much to take. even them just saying they wanna get to know me more just straight away hits the defense buttons and i go into this i-dont-even-wanna-go-close-to-this-topic mood.

but with adrian it's different. blame it on the fact he's so charming and maybe till date the only guy who can match up with my level of flirting. flirting=being confident enough to praise ourselves but not end up sounding cocky. that thrown in with a good command of english and voila, there you have it. just like i phrased it when i told jon about it. " i think the simmering seductress has finally met her match.". it's like i'm fully aware of what i'm getting myself into and what the outcome will be. do you wanna bet? we'll most probably end up sleeping with each other in future and after that, it's sayonara to it all. and yet i find myself still throwing myself deeper and deeper into this well. i know i'll regret it in future. regret what exactly i don't know and i don't exactly know why i'm feeling this way. maybe i'm just disappointed in myself for behaving like this. maybe not....fuck la i don't even know what i'm fucking talking about now.

i think i'm just tired and have had one too many sticks today. i just fucking bought a new pack this morning and i'm only left with 7 sticks. so i guess i'm gonna go off now. there was actually alot of things i wanted to blog about like my very interesting personal development module lesson i had on monday about how drawing attention to certain parts of the body by showing some skin is done, my new jacket which i have pictures posted on friendster and facebook with my very sexy legs (heh, confidence ladies...), the NYP open house and what i success it was, the NYP dance troupe using the exact sane fucking music as my hip hop dance at last year's victoria theatre performance, about how brandon and his bestfriend are interested in me and have confessed their affection for me making it very hard for me to face either of them and about Ivan who has only just started talking to me on facebook.

so yeah, contrary to what it may appear to be my life is not so fucked up as people like to think it is. and i really should end off here already. it's getting late and i'm exhausted and emo-ated. i should go. friday please come soon. visiting the museum always seems to restore me emotionally somehow. i find it leaves me walking out of the place refreshed.






" 'cause i've tried to do this right in your own time. I've been telling you with my eyes my heart's on fire. Why don't you realise?"