IMBECILLISQUE

scathach's island.
that's where i am.

i've been typing and retyping for the last half hour and i still don't know how to start this post.

should i start it with a confession?

i am a young vain narcissistic little lady on the edge of turning twenty who loves chilling out partying dancing the night and wee hours of the morning away to loud music heavy smokers and alchohol drinkers.

i bet you didn't know that.

i dance to the music playing in my room in my jeans and bra when in the midst of choosing what to wear and doing my make-up.

i bet you didn't know that too.

i lust secretly for certain people who are platonic friends on the surface.

i treat one night stands like going to the movies.

i can work my charm as and when i please.

i'm a bitch although i don't act like one.

if you think you know me,

think again.

do you?

i'm really tired of this lifestyle that i'm living. i feel really stupid you know? here i am selling my shortcomings on the internet. if someone who doesn't know me reads this blog now, i know they'd most probably have already formed an impression of me in their minds, even if it's subconsciously. but somehow, i'm not bothered. what's the worst that can happen? the most they can do is to judge me. and if i'm gonna let myself be affected by it, i'm never gonna find that peace of mind. and i need that peace of mind.

i went to vivocity yesterday with my mom after school and after a few hours of shopping we sat down at coffee bean for a drink. we talked and gossiped about the different friends of ours and their idiosyncrasies. then halfway through when we were both quiet she said, suddenly, that she didn't see me the same way anymore and that whenever she spoke to me or listen to me speak, my words carry a different weight and that it was hard for her to not look at me in a different light. i was no longer virginal. i didn't know how to react to that kind of statement. to be honest, i was very irritated that she brought up this topic again when we've given each other our word to never bring it up again. so i just slumped back into my chair, pulled my cap further lower so that it covered her from my view, rolled my eyes, looked away with my drink and muttered "bitch." just loud enough for her to catch the "ch" sound.

i may sound really unfilial, but i'm not sorry i did that. if i could go back to that moment perhaps i would not have muttered bitch. but now that i've said it, i'm not sorry one bit.

sometimes i get really angry just thinking about my mom and all the things she's done. yeah sure she's my mom you might say. no matter how much you hate it that fact's never gonna change. yes and i understand that. ok fine i'll give her all the credit for taking care of the family when my dad left, for fighting for our custody in court so that we wouldn't have to go to my dad and his mistress. buying us nice clothes so that we look at least presentable to others, taking care of our daily needs. as a mother and housewife, she's done a perfect job. but as a person, i hate her. i hate the person she is, yet i love her simply because she's my mother. i hate the way she gives her fake high pitched laugh whenever she tries to laugh at some angmoh's not-at-all-funny joke. the way she pretends to be extra nice to my brother and i in public but the moment we step home she starts becoming that abusive mother. i hate the way she plans everything in the house according to her preference an what she think is nice. i hate the way she ignores what my brother and i want and focuses only on what we ought to want. i hate the way she brainwashes my brother into hating my dad and staging conversations for my dad to hear so that he will know exactly what my brother wants without him having to ask. i hate the way she uses both us children as pawns to get back to my father. MY father. MY DAD. i hate her thinking that children are meant to be seen, not heard. at least not until they turn 26, and from now till then it's ok for her to ignore us completely. what we want, what we like, what we wish. NADA.

i just need to get away and be someplace where i can really put my mind to rest and all i have to do is bother about the weather. when i'm old enough, i plan to migrate to a whole new place. perhaps go back to london and start all over again over there. start all over in a place where no one recognises me and no one will know whatever that ha happened. i'll take leo and isaac and run away. they could use some time away too.