the aged

Calling occupants of interplanetary most extraordinary craft

sorry people for making you go through that password screening. thank god you guys are smart enough to get through. i had to put this password thingy in due to certain reasons. i don't want people i don't know to be reading my blog. so if you're reading this, chances are, you are my friend whom i know personally. or else, you've hacked in. i think finally i can say what i wanna say without having to worry or offend anyone. back when i was with chris, he restricted everything right down to the things i wrote on my blog. and what pissed me off the most was that he even went into my blog template to delete the html for the blog posts. so yeah, the point is here, not to complain about chris. it's that i can finally scold people and brag about how pretty i really am without people having to say anything about it. haha ok ok yes i was joking about the being pretty thingy. joking people, JOKING.

to be completely and totally honest, truth is, i don't feel pretty. not one bit. yeah sure, you might say. why then do i keep saying i'm pretty and pass it off as confidence? it's because i'm not wrong. i know i have that conventionally pleasent looking face that people put in the PRETTY category. but when i stand in front of the mirror and look at myself, i don't feel like i'm pretty. there are so many things not-pretty that i can pinpoint out to you if you asked me to. i do get scared when i go out in public that someone is going to stare at me because my nose isn't nice, or that my eyes are not big enough or something. and when ever i go back to shops and the salesperson remembers me, i'm always amazed. honestly. like i don't understand why people remember me and when i think back about what i might have done to make anybody remember me, i can find nothing. to me, i just blend in. i'm just another face in the crowd that you wouldn't need to notice because, seriously, what's there to remember about her? don't get me wrong. i'm not gonna start talking juat all about my insecurities the moment my blog turns private. it's just that this is something that has been on my mind for sometime and i really need to get it off my chest.

i think this is the main reason why i accept one night stands and casual sex. perhaps i'm looking for some kind of assurance that i am special enough for someone to notice me and take that second look at me that i'd do anything for that kind of affirmation that i'm not just a face in the crowd and that i have hepled someone someway somehow. if you were to ask me now to name one person i've helped in the last month or so, i can give you no answer. who have i hepled out of the pure goodness of my heart and not ask anything back in return? the answer? nobody. sure i know if there's one thing good in me it's that if i help someone, i don't need anything back in return. all i wish is that they remember they can always come back to me for help. and that if it's within my means i will try with all i have to help. but who have i helped? which elderly person have i helped up the bus lately? who have i made life easier for by offering my hands so that they can find time for things more important for themselves? have i made anyone worry less for me? have i made anyone cry lately? i need to know that right now in my life i'm doing something good.

the past few days have been really busy for me, with hardly enough time to evaluate my feelings and thoguhts. my dad flies the A380 plane in and suddenly i'm thrust into the glits and glamour of parties and galas. my dad. he flew the largest plane into singapore. the only country currently to have possesion of this plane. i am proud of him. i really am. he sent my mom an sms saying how much it means to him to have his children with him during his moment of truimpt and that he understands that after all he's done to us we can choose not to be there for him but we didn't. we were still here . when my mom told me that, she had this look of smug satisfaction on her face that said "see! your father finally realises the importance of family. hope he's learnt his lesson." and it made me feel sad. how can i hate myfather? after all he's done. do i hate him? i think i know the answer. and it's a big fat NO. i love him more than anything else in this world and becuase of the little time we had together, it has made me misss him more. bacuse of all the things that have happened in my family history it has made me lose a fatherly figure. and i don't have that now. and i don't know where to find that kind of love and affection. one that comes from a dad.

my mom and i had a very long talk slightly less than a month ago and all the things that i've been keeping from her i confessed them all. and at the end of everything she said that maybe it was the lack of a father figure, a male figure in my life that i turned to sexual attention to fill that gap. it must have hurt her, as a mother, to have to listen to her daughter tell her all the things that sh'e done. and i konw myself. they weren't pretty. i broke almost every rule that she had set to protect me and plunged head down into the deep blue sea that she had so desperetely tried to keep me from drowning. sorry can't cure all the things i've done. and there is no lesser of two evils that i can choose so it wouldn't hurt her so. i only hope that things from now get better. just like how when things hit rock bottom the only place left to go is up. and although i can still think of a thousand other more situations worse than what has already happened, i hope that things have already reached rock bottom for me and that it will start to get better from now onwards.

ok ok let's not go on and on about my fears, my inhibitions, my regrets. and don't het me wrong. i'm not suicidal nor emo. i am simply... finding an avenue to express how i feel. i know keeping things bottled in and putting up a brave front will do me no good and i've done that for far too long already.
tell me i'm special if you think it'll make me feel better.
sometimes hearing it can be life-saving.