I think things are getting better. slowly, but surely. i think..it's all in the mind.
when you're upset over something and you let it affect you, everything else seems fucked up. but when you believe that there is still that glimmer of hope somewhere still undiscovered, things improve. it's not easy. it never was. how can we believe in things that we can't see and have no proof of its existence...
anyhow, it struck me the other day that i am no longer a convent schoolgirl. sure, i've blogged before about the significance of me stepping out SAC's gates but I've only really realized it on the mrt the other day.
there i was, sitting by myself plugged into my ipod and for some reason i looked up at the station the train had stopped at and what was it...? bedok. it was almost instinctively. i had to pause for a moment to remind myself that i was no longer stopping just at bedok and that my route now went so much further. it was a scary thought that i was no longer protected by the shelter SAC gave. In my mind i had formed notion, unfortunately preconceived, that once out of secondary school i would be rather alone and lost in a place where people fend for themselves. where nobody cared about anyone else's feelings except theirs. how wrong i was. on the way home on the bus that same day i saw 2 guys. one in a black shirt and the other in white. let's just call them mrblack and mrwhite. apparently mrblack knew mrwhite although it was obvious they weren't really close. perhaps colleagues or coworkers. so mrwhite , upon seeing mrblack, reached forward and tapped him on the shoulder to say hi. black just responded by nodding his head. white sat back looking abit disappointed and i thought i detected a tinge of embarrassment on his face. this was when i thought to myself...i'm not wrong. people do only care about themselves. people only do what they think it's best for themselves and what they could benefit from it. the world really is every bit as selfish and unfair as i had believed it to be. and yet exactly the moment i sighed and was about to turn away, i saw black suddenly turn around and handed white a mentos sweet and grinned at him. white's face just lit up. i'm serious. i mean...after all, it was just a sweet. and black and white were men in...i should guess, their early 20s?? how such a simple gesture can mean so much and carry so much warmth and love for another person really touched me. it may not sound much to you but to me it was like a sign that maybe i should start looking up instead of always lowering my head as thought i was so held down by all the problems lying in them.
perhaps it was because i was going through a rough period in my mind with my emotions being stirred and shaken and mixed up into something i don't even understand that i was so willing to take i anything that would give me hope again. maybe i'm wrong about the 2 guys and maybe i misinterpreted their actions wrongly but what the hell...it did me good and it has helped me greatly, without them ever knowing. whoever would have thought i'd find back my inspiration on the bus??
but well...i'll be happier.
and i'm contented enough with that.
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