psychedelic

where do i begin

2011-12-23T04:14:00.002+08:00

i've been all out of sorts today. nervous and excited both at the same time. accepting but still in disbelief. i was thinking about so many things today. running around town and little india running errands and trying to tie up some loose ends here before i leave for Melbourne, it suddenly struck me how fragile and unpredictable life is. exactly a month ago i was on my way to Shanghai, broken-hearted trying to figure out what i wanted to do, needed to do, with the men in my life. it was only a month ago.

it was only a month ago that i was lying in the darkness of my room crying and sobbing tired of life and wanting just to die. only a month ago that i was sitting at the Coffee Bean at the airport with a bestfriend worried sick that i was gonna fly off to a foreign land with a broken unstable heart. only a month ago that i had decided i've had enough of my life. that i was gonna fly to another country to escape everything. escape the memories from places i have to pass by, escape having to be in the same country as you. escape the fact that you are somewhere near to where i am, but living a life that i was no longer part of. flying off the Shanghai was the only way i knew how to deal with it. so that perhaps we could blame it on the fact that it wasnt because you didnt want me anymore, but because i was simply too far away.

but look here. look where i am now. does anybody believe this?? am i doing the right thing?? am i... Feeling the right things??

i feel so sad. so, so heavy. why have we come to this?? why?? can we not find ourselves again?? can we not find US again?? can we please just go back to the way things used to be?? this new man may thrill me, excite me, engage me, but is this really what i want?? i leave in about 24 hours. is this, really, what i want. once i leave i know there's no turning back. im opening doors that who knows, may just slam right in my face the way it has before.

im just, so tired of trying again and again and again. of having faith, of having second chances, of giving 3rd 4th 5th chances. just the thought of having to start over again tires me. it tires me.

"i was too late.

I'm not the same when I'm not with you,

and it hurts...

tell me you'll stay with me."

save room for my love

2011-12-18T03:10:00.003+08:00

i've been feeling so spiritually aligned lately. like i've got this new found passion for life. and it's so refreshing... and so invigorating. it's brilliant! even though things my life isnt perfect right now, i feel like there are so many things i need to be grateful for, so many things that i AM thankful for. to be able to find beauty in the smallest of things, to have hopes and dreams bigger than who i am. but what does it matter? if we're gonna have a dream, might as well make it big right?

there's so many things i wanna do, so many things i wanna see, so much still to learn and so many people still to meet. i wanna live and breathe the world and it's cultures. touch the soil from the remotest of lands and breathe the air up from the highest of towers. feel the cold and love the heat. dance in the rain and sing to the sun. and i wanna do all that, because i know i can. it may take me awhile to get there, but heck, i'll get there one day.

this thirst for the world is profound. it excites me and yet calms me at the same time. like a part of me is thrilled outta my mind with the thought of exploring these foreign lands, and yet another part of me is so at peace with myself and whatever surroundings i may find myself in, that the "thrill" is made less pronounced, if that even makes sense. like i'm thrilled yet calm all at once, finding IMMENSE enlightenment-ness in simply drifting through another's world without fear or worry, knowing that as a child of this one divine cosmic energy, life will take care of me wherever i may so choose to go or end up.

i am so inspired.

i am so at peace.

"save room for a moment just to be with me."

i fucking meant it

2011-12-14T03:44:00.005+08:00

i am in a very strange mood. it's 3:45am now and instead of getting the damned sleep i need, i'm sitting here mindlessly "watching" the various youtube videos that are playing while my mind just kinda zones off to contemplate other more worldly, more important issues.

i think for the first time in my life, i'm seeing things clearly. or rather, Feeling things clearly. my mind and my heart are two separate entities and are both telling me different things, but i am most definitely not confused by it. a year ago, or perhaps even 6 months ago, i'm pretty sure i would have been ripping my heart out with confusion.

i know it's ridiculously impossible to stop being sad about what happened. and im not saying that i've gotten over the hurt and disappointment. after all that has been said and done between us, i think forgiveness may take a while to arrive - at least for me. but for the first time in my life, i'm seeing things clearly the way it should be, for what the situation really is. and it's very... enlightening?? is that the word?? refreshing?? ok. it's a breath of fresh air. my god it really is.

i know now that i shouldnt be sad over it. i know now that there are better things out there, if only i open my heart and mind and life to it. for the first time i know that i'm loving myself enough to allow me this shot at the happiness i deserve. a shot at this happiness that ALL of us own, but refuse to claim.

i know that i am making the right choice. it may not be the easiest choice, but hey, i've been in worst places, what's a little "decision making about the right things" gonna do to hurt me? NADA. and if i lose this friendship we have, then so be it. obviously it meant that the strength of our friendship to begin with, was weak. and if we DO remain friends, well... cheers then, cuz we fucking earned that toast.

so im taking this leap of faith here. and i hope and pray that my feet touches the ground on the other side of the bank. there's only so much "picking myself up" that i can do. and now, my time has come to finally get a move on. it really has taken me a long time, but if that amount of time was what it took to get me to where i am right now, then so be it, im glad that those years of learning has not gone to waste.

really.

when i said in Shanghai,

Nobody Fucks With Me No More

I fucking meant it.

music to my ears

2011-12-09T19:45:00.003+08:00

seriously.

i was just cleaning my room and cooking some dinner and watching the sunset and for some reason this huge huge huge huge wave of joy and content just kinda washed over me and BLEW my mind. seriously, life is beautiful. i am sooo amazed, and sooo humbled, to be living the perfect life that i'm living. to have food in my belly, love in my heart, joy in my days, my life is perfect. i would not be anywhere else in the world tonight other than where i am right this very moment.

feeling so ashamed of myself, why did i ever let my problems get the better of me? to fall apart so bad and let them take over my entire universe, leaving completely NO room for anything positive and good to come into my life. that's bullshit. i want nothing but good full healthy positive energy in my life. i will keep on sharing and loving and giving and caring for anything and anyone because there is so much joy in giving, i dare say even more so than receiving.

i am so contented and so humbled and so centered.

thank you for everything. life.

for the ups and downs and turn arounds.

"and how can i stand here with you, and not be moved by you"

something good can... work?

2011-12-06T03:55:00.004+08:00

sigh again again again.

what is wrong with me.

i'm sit here feeling like there's something important i need to blog about

and yet almost half an hour later,

i find myself simply sitting and staring at an empty page.

not knowing what to say, and yet my thoughts are racing at a 100 miles per hour.

for some reason,

i cant seem to translate these thoughts into words

something ive never had a problem with before.

words are my best friends.

words.....WERE my best friends??

i'm not going to cover it up this time

or even use some flowery vague poetic language to describe what has just happened.

it's just gonna be as simple as this.

there is a new man in my life.

yes, we met in Shanghai in the midst of all that drama.

he is smart, sincere, thoughtful, sensitive, mature, funny, amazing arms, and body

and comes pretty damn close to being (in my mind's definition) the Perfect Man.

we've only just started getting to know each other. long-distance-ly.

skype-ing every night,

whatsapping all day every day.

sharing pictures and songs and stories.

making plans to fly down to see each other.

making plans for christmas and new year's and next year....

talking about meeting parentss... oh lord.

but... how much do i actually like this guy???

it's scary to think of how HUGE a difference going to Shanghai for a week has made.

just one tiny week and my life has taken a whooping 180 degrees turn.

all i wanted to do was to escape.

from my life and my problems here in Singapore.

losing a friend and meeting a guy is the last thing i'd ever imagine happening.

i'm not sure i like to admit it.

but yes, i think i might actually really like this person.

throwing in the reason (and manner) in which our friendship jump-started,

and with how candid and open about each other we are,

and not forgetting his ridiculously well-sculpted looks and body,

it really is quite difficult to not like him.

but i am scared.

sigh, i'm scared of alot of things lately.

is this a chance i'm willing to take? again?

do i and should i trust him?

will he help me heal?

i've really honestly had enough of being let down all the time.

and yet somehow i do feel safe with him.

like this is gonna lead to something good and that i SHOULD take this chance.

and that like me, he will say what he means and mean what he says.

and possibly be that man to stay strong for me when i am not.

but... we'll see.

i dont want to have to think about anything right now.

im enjoying the ride with him =)

and though he says he's happy to walk down this path with me,

i dont quite feel we're actually at that stage yet.

but whatever the case,

im happy to sit here and decide with him which path we'd wanna go down together.

i cant wait to see him =)

"let's make this happen,

you're gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.

and you know that it will.

let's get this started,

we're moving up its been alot to change

but you will always get what you want "

let if flow

2011-12-03T00:38:00.003+08:00

i feel like a fool. once again i find myself sitting here, as part of this me-time, trying to write out what's really on my mind. and once again i find that i dont really know what to say, or even what im thinking. i just feel really stupid, that yet again i've given another part of my heart to someone who in the end found it so easy to just walk away from me. and i just feel so stupid. i thought ive finally found peace goddamnit.

so i guess this is finally over. at the end of everything i'm still sitting here alone. still wondering what hit me and if it was all just some bad dream that i've yet to fully wake up from. but whatever it is, it's high time i move on.

going to shanghai, it just did it for me. it once again proved to me that really, there's no escaping this shithole. did i really think that by running away to another country i could escape the heartache? did i really think that just because im in another land i could escape being myself?? sigh. i've had it with life kicking me in the butt all the time. first i spend an entire year dealing with a man who found nothing but sheer joy in tormenting me, dangling his love in my face but just out of my reach. then i spend a few long lonely months trying to heal from that ordeal and along comes this man who promised me the world, made me feel safe again only to just up and leave without warning breaking not just my heart but my faith. so i escape to shanghai to find solace in the one person whom i though could and would understand this hell of a place i'm in, only to be fucking thrown out by her over a man. and all this within a span of 2 years?? seriously, i think i've fucking had enough of this shit!

but im not saying that it's always been horrible. i have had good times with friends and with life and im grateful for those times always. and me going to shanghai has brought about new friendships and found me new beginnings, for which i am glad. right now, im just gonna concentrate on letting things be.

blahh... this post is not even making sense.

"if it only brings you pain in your life, dont be afraid to let it go."

leaving on a jetplane

2011-11-23T16:28:00.003+08:00

days and night have passed and here i am still exactly where i started.

i just wanna rip the heart outta my chest and just go about my days like a robot.

how is it you can feel so greatly the loss of something that was never really yours to begin with?

if it's meant to be it will be, regardless of how hard you fight it.

but you're in my life for a reason, i'm loving you for a reason.

i just wished i knew what that reason was and why.

what am i supposed to be learning from this?

i just wanna escape.

"and i dont wanna hear you tell yourself that these feelings are in the past.

you know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf, because pain is built to last."

cuz i miss you

2011-11-13T20:14:00.002+08:00

ive been lying in the dark in my room the past few days. finding that i've been asking myself the same questions over and over again. i guess a part of me already kinda knew this was gonna happen. and boy, do i feel like the fool. i miss you. i'm sitting by my window smoking that desperate cigarette, repeating that one line i've said too many times before, clutching my hand to my heart saying "please let all this will be worth it one day..." and i thought that One Day has come but im not so sure anymore.

i feel so broken.

i dont even know what to say anymore.

i'm so tired.

"and you say i only hear what i want to.

that i dont listen hard

dont pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere..."

peace

2011-10-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

when you learn to still yourself, this sense of peace just really comes naturally. it's so awesome. it's really really honestly been a really long time since i've felt like this. i've spent the past week in utter contentment with myself, with my life, and with where i am at this moment in time. and it's been the most fuckamazing best week of my life.

now when i say it's the best week if my life i dont mean in a scheduling scene. this past week has been the most busy and running-up-and-down-and-everywhere week for me. with so many things to do, so many deadlines to meet, so many people to deal with and it's just been chaotic. and yet i the midst of all that i was able to find small pockets of time to just sit down, and enjoy a ciggie in between meetings and classes and it was those 5 minutes were enough to put a smile on my face, simply because in my hearts of hearts, i was at peace with myself.

all these external chaotic mess wearied only my physical being and not my emotional spirit. how i wish that everyone i know could experience such peace and contentment. like there's no hatred and no pain and no suffering, at all. sigh wow. that's what i lose out on when i get upset or angry? my god, if that is the case then i never wanna have such feelings of negativity ever again. life is beautiful man! learn to live it the way it should be! stop thinking of why this why that all the time. why am i not good enough, why didnt i get this opportunity, why are people treating me like this, when and how should i take revenge... GROSS! all this negativity is going to kill you in the end! i can NEVER imagine being at a ripe matured age of like, say 30, and still feel such unsettledness in my heart. dude chill, sometime you've just gotta learn to leave and let live.

so people out there who are sad and unhappy. try this for just once in your life. for a whole month, try to take at least 5 minutes of your day, perhaps before you sleep or after you wake up or something convenient like that, and give thanks for all the things in your life that you are grateful for. and dont come and tell me that you've got nothing to be grateful for, i'll slap you. the very fact you sit here reading this just goes to show how lucky you to be able to sit and comfortably and read. give thanks for your parents who love you, give thanks for the friend who called you up just now, even if it's to complain about something for 2 minutes before hanging up. give thanks for the fact you woke up this morning healthy and alive. or just give thanks for the fact that you are going to lie down on a comfortable bed and give thanks for the ability to escape into your dreamworld as you sleep. just... be grateful. then take a few deep breaths and tell yourself this.

"today, i am going to bring nothing but good energy to myself and the people around me. what i sow i reap. and today i will sow peace." =)

falling asleep with your arm on my body

2011-10-19T07:39:00.002+08:00

so in true "say what you mean and mean what you say" Inez fashion, i am going to blog about something happy today. note: this is me trying to keep to my no-more-negative-posts resolution. yay for the baby steps.

so... i stayed over at shak's place last night. it was really really nice =) that's twice this week. but last night was slightly nicer. after dinner and beers with him and friends we just went back to his place at a nice un-rushed pace and then spent the next hour sitting on his bedroom floor eating snacks, drinking ribena, and going through his old stuff like old notebooks, pictures from his childhood, his Michael Jackson collection folder, his CD collection, and just random stuff that i pulled out of his drawers. then we curled up in bed together and talked till we fell asleep. my hand in his.

so this is what it's like to be contented. it's been a long long time since i've had such chillaxing moments with a boyfriend/date. and it was really really nice. it just drove home the fact even more to me that we can all find joy in the simplest and slightest of moments, provided we open our minds and open our hearts to it and think not of how much time we could be wasting or what we could be doing with our time that's more productive. as lennon says, the time we enjoy wasting is not time wasted. you dont always have to be up up up on the move. sometimes, just sitting on the floor talking and laughing and sharing stuff about your life with someone you care for can be so much more rewarding and fulfilling because it's moments like these that really matter. years down the road no one is going to say "wow that was a great day i was so productive at work.." i'd so much rather say "wow that was a really crazy and stupid night, but it was the best night of my life." or maybe even a "we did absolutely nothing at all the whole day, but it was the best day of my life."

it doesnt always have to be pain and suffering and torturous intensity when it comes to love, i've realized. sure we all have had those moments and those relationships, but i've also come to the realization that those are the kind of relationships that never work. Never. if you bring such bad energy of pain and suffering to the table, then that's what you're gonna have. and it's never healthy to be in a relationship where pain and secrets live in the stead of love and honesty.

at the end of the day, i'm just grateful for the chance to spend such lovely time with shakeel. to sit around with him and to know that the time we spend together really matters, even if it's doing stupid mindless fun little things. and to be able to fall asleep in his arms literally, and have him brush the hair out of my face, to hug him like a big bolster, to be gently woken up by him cuz he's dragging me closer, all this, it's just... contentment. i dont need to go on some big adventure with him, or have a fairy tale ending at all. just to be able to be here where i am today, i am more than a 100% satisfied.

i wish everyone could feel such peace as i am feeling.

sending out good love, good energy, and peace =)

"and how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you"

maybe it's really time for a change

2011-10-18T04:04:00.003+08:00

sooo... this is weird. i'm finding it very difficult to start this blog post, like i've typed and retyped the first sentence to this like a million times and just cant seem to start it right. i guess it's because i havent really been updating this blog for quite awhile, like i havent really really taken the time to sit down and type out what's really in my heart. i guess that explains the awkwardness with starting this.

anyway, my point in this post is that, i think it's high time i change up my blog. and i'm not just talking about the layout and formatting of it, but more so with the content. not alot of people read my blog i know that. in fact i think if even 10 people read it regularly i'd be really surprised. but the point of it all is that this blog was, sorry - it still is, possibly the one and only true emotional outlet i have. here, i pour out my inner most thoughts and feelings, my most honest truths and most terrifying fears. i've typed while crying, while sobbing hysterically, while giggling to myself, while smiling, while feeling peaceful, literally everything. and i've spent alot of time dwelling in the retrospect lately. choosing to spend my free time re-reading all my past tweets, going through years and years worth of facebook wall posts, and most importantly, re-reading past blog posts. and i must say, this blog is really depressive!!

now i dont mean depressive as in "i'm gonna kill myself now" depressive, but it's just got so much sadness attached to it... and understandably so seeing as how i've poured out practically all of my emotional spiritualness into it. and a part of me really dislikes that. this blog documents my life, and i dont want to go on feeding such negativity to myself and to those who read it. sure not all my posts are sad, but alot of them have this reflective spiritual nature that still brings about this air of sadness and resignation to it. and i want to change that.

i dont exactly know how i'm gonna do that, but i guess it starts with a thought. and i will put in the effort needed to change those thoughts into actions. it's not alot to start with, but it's a step nonetheless. like Buddha says "it matters not how slow you go, so long as you do not stop moving". and do that i will, this i promise myself.

so tonight i'm feeling... centered. i'm feeling peaceful, and quiet. like that's all i need. peace and quiet. i must admit i was feeling abit annoyed earlier to know that Shakeel was going out to drink and party tonight when i actually just wanted to chill with him, maybe either over the phone or on skype, but then i realized, that it doenst matter. all i wanna do tonight is light some candles in my room, and snuggle up in bed with a good book and read. a part of me is glad for the fact that he is out and having fun and having a good time with his friends and if he wants to speak to me he'll call. the whole ordeal we went through on my birthday week was a great wakeup call for me. i know i never wrote it out anywhere on my blog and that's a first in my life, but it was a huge ass wake up call regardless. it reminded me so strongly that this all could be taken away from me, just like that. if i make what i have, the definition of my happiness, and one day that object of lust and love that i own gets taken away from me, then what am i?? if i cannot project that happiness genuinely from my heart, there's no way in life i will ever ever ever be happy. sure shakeel means alot of me, but i have to mean more to myself, not in any egotistical way whatsoever, but in the most wholesome and spiritually healthy way possible.

right now i'm very comfortable where i am, in my life and in my heart. sure there are aspects of my life that could be improved upon greatly, but i am grateful to even be here, with the opportunity in life to simply be able to type this out. so like i said, after this i will go light some candles, put on some soft music, have a ciggie by my window, and snuggle up in bed with a good book - right now it's Paulo Coelho's The Witch of Portobello, and read till my heart's content. tonight, and especially tonight, i am contented to have myself as company.

to all who's reading this post tonight - if any, i bid you all a good good night. and know that in my hearts of heart i wish nothing but good thoughts, good energy, beauty and light for ya'll. Sweet dreams =)

ordinary people

2011-10-11T21:27:00.005+08:00

We're just ordinary people.

We dont know which way to go.

maybe we'll live and learn

maybe we'll crash and burn

maybe you'll stay maybe you'll leave

maybe you'll return

maybe we'll never fight

maybe we won't survive

maybe we'll grow we never know

baby you and i

attachments

2011-09-21T04:17:00.003+08:00

it never is right to get too attached to somebody.

it is a mistake.

it will do nothing but disappoint you.

and hurt you.

and break you.

it only serves to make you fail.

rely only on yourself.

on your strength.

there is only yourself you can trust in this life.

remember that always.

i know this makes no sense to you

2011-08-31T07:39:00.005+08:00

maybe it's all in my head, maybe not. maybe it's my heart that's talking, trying to give me signals. i really dont know. maybe it's me, trying to get used to the whole new dynamics of things. trying to wrap my head around the idea that, it's fine - i can relax now. i can wake up tomorrow morning and not be afraid that i'm gonna lose all that i've got. that it wont all be taken away from me overnight. wow. the fear of things being taken away from me. things, people, whatever you wanna call it. the fear of something i own being lost. maybe it's this irrational fear of mine that leads me to over-think things and to read into every small little thought or insecurity that my brain can churn out. and the more i think, the more it churns it out, then the more i feel, the more i cry, the tighter i hold on to. and i guess that's how i strangle it to death. and then i lose it. vicious cycle it is. wow. i think i've finally understood myself a little better.

maybe its the fear that i'm not good enough to hold on to whatever i've got. to whatever i've been given. at the end of the day it boils down to self-esteem i suppose. and that's where the lesson is truly learnt, isnt it? that i've simply got to love myself, maybe not MORE, but TRULY. i've got to learn to love myself truly. i've got to trust myself, and shakeel, on this one. sighh blind faith. blind fucking faith. but i guess, and i quote joo on this - the man who never practiced what he preached, that i'd risk the fall to know what it feels like to fly. i really would.

so i'll learn to trust. and i'll learn to relax a little. i dont always have to have it together every minute every moment of the day. i dont know what the future might hold for me, for him, or for us as a couple, but one thing's for sure. i will NOT do anything to ever put our relationship in jeopardy. and if that means to deal with all this emotional shit in my head and in my heart, then so be it. at the very least i can be proud of myself that i've got the guts to do so.

ps i love you

2011-08-25T04:00:00.009+08:00

im so scared. it's been a long time i know since i last blogged, and since i last cried. and it's so hard to stop now that the tears have started. it's so hard.. and im so scared. what if i fall. what if i fall in love again and it breaks me. what if i give another part of my heart to this man and he loses it. what if i open my life to him and he destroys it. i am so happy with him and i am so scared im gonna lose this happiness ive found. i cant be this lucky. it must be a dream. im so scared that one day im gonna wake up from this dream and it's all gonna disappear. i cant begin to even explain. i am so scared. omg i am so scared. i dont wanna fall again. i dont think i can handle that.

our first kiss was perfect. ive never had that before. there were no butterflies in the stomach. no awkward pauses. no skipped heartbeats. no nervousness. none of that. it was as though my lips had been waiting for his all these years. and it fit just right. with that one first kiss all the questions in my heart were answered. all the yearning fulfilled. and when he stood up, took my hand and led me out of the room, i felt myself surrender to him. it was as though i knew right there and then that i could depend on him to protect me. and that he was going to, regardless. it was love, not lust. and that's why it was my heart that reacted instead of my body. our first kiss wasnt fueled by lust. i've never experienced anything more powerful.

i know it's not him. i know it's me. i've come to the realization that i'm not an easy person to love. not anymore. my aura has not been bright in a long time. not since julian left. even this love for shakeel is not bringing back my gold/red aura that i used to have. i constantly feel insecure about myself. always fearing that i wont be good enough for him. always afraid that he's gonna leave at the first bit of displeasure with me. always questioning myself if there's something i'm not doing right. i doubt myself, so i pick on him. which is not fair at all to him. it's been almost 3 months and a part of me is actually very surprised that he hasnt already packed up and left. how is it he can want me??? i am such an imperfect person. i am so afraid of letting myself feel this joy because i cannot afford to bear the disappointment otherwise. i cant fall again, so im afraid to climb.

i keep expecting to wake up one day and find that he doesnt want this anymore. i keep fearing, expecting this to end any minute. sometimes when he's busy at work and doesnt reply my texts/calls for an entire day, i just wanna crumble and die because it feels like the day he doesnt want me has finally come. i keep questioning him because i cannot believe this is real. but i know i have to. i have to start believing in this. or else these thoughts in my head will ruin our relationship. and if this ends because of me i will NEVER forgive myself. i cant be an easy person to love, and it cant have been easy on him either. and yet after all this, he's still here. he defies everything i believe true in men. that they're all just here to hurt me. i dont understand. he wants me. how is that allowed???

how. how can anybody ever want me.

ckhjcvjsj,hvb∫s

2011-07-28T16:21:00.007+08:00

i hate this. this is not right.

yes i'm happy with shakeel. and yes i'm glad that we at the very least had a normal start. but something is just not right. i claim i'm happy but yet im crying every other day. when im not with him, every other time we talk on the phone, i almost always hang up feeling angry and frustrated. as though for some reason, angry that my pride and dignity has been brought down and hurt. i dont understand what's going on. i am so sick and tired of taking people's shit and taking the blame for everything, that this time, i will say "it's not my fault."

so many times he cuts me off in mid-sentence and it pisses me off. just because HE wants to say something he deems important he just interrupts me? isnt what I have to say important to?? what makes my words any less worthy than his? i am hurt that he doesnt even have this basic respect for me and i will NOT stand for this anymore. i used to try to tell him this but he would just get irritated with me and act like im being the whiny irritating girlfriend and then pretend to humor me. it makes me feel small and stupid and i hate it. after awhile i've learnt that it's something that i cannot do anything about and it frustrates me.

it is also so FUCKING impossible to make any sort of plans with him. because after a whole day of getting me excited over the days plans, he cancels last minute. at the very last second there's always something more important to do (just cuz he feels like it) and he just goes off to do it, leaving me to drown in disappointment. and if i even dare to try justifying myself and my disappointment, he turns around and says "i never promised you anything." it's just so frustrating to me that in order to try to make any sort of plans with him, it has to be spelled out in solid BLACK AND WHITE before anything can happen. and even then i've leanrt not to get my hopes up.

i go when he says go, come when he wants me to, hang out when he decides we should or else risk us getting into a fight, ask him a question more than twice because he doesnt reply and he gets frustrated with me, and reminds me constantly that i am nothing to him - i am not important at all - if something else crops up that he'd rather do, he'll simply change our plans and go. and yet with all that, he says that he "spends all his bloody time" with me and cant i just leave him alone for awhile.

please someone tell me what i should do. i genuinely like being with him and the naturalness of how we started, but im so sick of keeping quiet all the time and sucking it up. i've spent enough years of my life doing that with EVERY FUCKING PERSON in my life. i dont know what to do. this frustration is gonna eat me up alive. i want us to work so much that i dont know what to do because everything i seem to do is wrong - or at least to him.

i hate this.

i hate this feeling so much.

........pleeasseee.e.......... =( =( =(

to think it ever happened.

2011-07-25T12:48:00.004+08:00

i came across something today while trying to clear out a bunch of useless unknown files in my computer that have now become irrelevant. it made me sad. it was a conversation we had a long long time ago. obviously, my computer had decided to save it with the intention of torturing me later on in my life. i'm not sure what i should do. to delete that conversation? or to keep it. whether i like it or not it was a conversation with a man who once had a huge part to play in the shaping of ME. to keep it as a reminder of what transpired and to never make that same mistake? or to just delete it. to simply close my eyes and try to never think about it again - out of mind and most definitely, out of sight.

sigh life is strange. it puts you through shit in your short time of existence here on earth and breaks you down only to show you, years down the road, that you needed to go through shit in order to learn - thus absolving itself from any blame. it is never life's fault, because life's unfair, and that's just the way it is.

so what have i learnt?? i'd like to think that the one year of my life spent with him has broken me down enough for me to learn how to build myself up again stronger. looking back now, i feel so ashamed of myself that for weeks after he left i ever allowed myself to sink into such a deep state of depression and self-pity. i let sorrow break me instead of build me and i had become what i hated seeing in him - the lack of will to fight for what he/we deserved, happiness. and instead, choosing to befriend this black darkness and loneliness which ultimately consumed him and those around him. i'm not even sure if i've heal fully. shakeel seems to think not. but who knows. i guess we will only tell in time to come. TIME, i'm putting absolute faith in you this time ok? everyone says that you contain within you the ability to heal all wounds. so please heal me. ok?

honestly in my hearts of heart, i wish him nothing but the best. i dont feel bitter about things nor do i want my revenge because it's just tiring. for fuck's sake, the man was just trying to heal over. maybe the way he did it was a tad bit destructive. or maybe he didnt actually Want to heal in the first place. but that was just the way things were between us. nothing to be revengeful about. sure it makes me sad. but what kind of person would i be if i wished upon a bitter person more hurt. i just want him to be happy again. to realize that the world is far more beautiful than he makes it out to be. perspective eh? it can really make or break someone. he was the one man who finally managed to break me down. and now all i can do, is learn to build myself up again. and i am thankful that through all this, the universe sent an angel to help me stand again. my all-understanding man shakeel.

what more can i want?

"him: i want you to stop being sad. we're going tomorrow and we're going to have fun.

me: i'm not sad. i'm broken, like you. like everyone else around.

him: dont get sad. get angry and proud.

me: im done being angry. it wont change anything

him: being broken wont change anything either.

me: so says the broken man.

him: true true. but we're going to jb tomorrow. it's gonna be epic.

me: yes. so tonight, just let it all bleed out of me. "

spacebound

2011-07-24T13:19:00.004+08:00

we touch, i feel a rush

we clutch, it isnt much

but it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us.

I'll do whatever it takes,

when im with you i get the shakes

my body aches when i aint

with you i have zero strength

there's no limit on how far i would go

no boundaries, no lengths

it's not a contest and i aint on no conquest for no mate

i wasnt looking but i stumbled onto you

must have been fate.

but so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take

let's cut to the chase, but a door shuts in your face.

promise me if i cave in and break and leave myself open

that i wont be making a mistake

"it's like an explosion every time i hold you, i wasn't joking when i told you,

you take my breath away, you're a supernova"

heaven

2011-06-22T10:36:00.002+08:00

i feel at peace. i think shakeel really came at a right time. just as im trying to heal, getting back on my feet, cleared out all of joo's stuff from my room, doing really well just my jobs, building stronger friendships with my closest friends, shakeel came along.

i love it so much that we actually started out as friends. that we had gotten the chance to know each other first before jumping into anything serious. it's so heartwarming to know that at any time any place and with whoever you are, love can find you no matter where or how you run. i just wanna giggle at the fact that we've hung out so many many times before, late night beers and cigarettes included, and been in such close quarters and yet have never ever seen each other in this light before. what changed? why is it suddenly something is different? there is this enormous urge to wanna hug him and kiss him and hold him and to simply wanna be with him.

it's such a peaceful feeling. when we lay together in bed just talking about stuff, it feels like we've been doing this for such a long time. our first kiss felt so natural, so comfortable, like it was meant to be. like WE were meant to be. the moment our lips touched, fuck me if i sound strange, but i knew we were something great. it felt like we had already kissed ages ago. it felt safe. omg i wanna laugh! this is so strange!

i closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest the other day on the bus, and i felt safe. like the noise just melted away and then right on cue he hugged me and kissed my hair, and it made me even more sure that this is where im supposed to be. everytime we talk about how we started off as friends, we always get so amazed at all the times we've never really taken any notice of each other, and yet, everything we have ever done as friends just seems to have lead to this very moment here with him.

i am happy. a peaceful happy i am. and though i know that our relationship together is most definitely going to face alot of questioning because of our differences in race and religion, i will work to make us perfect. i cant explain it, i just know that this is worth it. it's worth putting my time and effort into making it work =)

"castles and cathedrals crumble, pyramids and pipelines tumble.

the failure keeps you humble, leads us closer to peace"

angels & devils

2011-06-18T04:54:00.002+08:00

i'm so confused. i dont understand what's going on with Shakeel. this is such a strange foreign feeling that i can very honestly say i've never experienced before. i feel like im high constantly, without actually being on anything.

i'm happy. oh my GAWD i am soooo happy!!

and i NEVER had that feeling before, not with julian, not with adrian, never!

that constant rush of emotions, of wanting to kiss him over and over and over and over again and not get sick of it. of wanting to be near to him, to see him work, to know that he is always within reach should i fall, to know his friends, to know his family, to know him.

it's such a strange feeling, and im so happy! i feel like im on top of the world, like emotionally. i'm honestly feeling like nothing could bring me down. i know we are new and this love is young, but just our starting is so different. i am so glad for the chance to have gotten to know him first as a friend. to know that we can still sit for hours together talking about everything and really randomly anything, even as friends. that we can sit by the park with cheap cup noodles and still feeling like our dinner is something special. i never wanna do anything to screw this up.

oh, my, god. finally. i am happy =)

"i know places we can go babe

where the high wont fade here

no the highs wont hurt you here.

i know places we can go

where the highs wont bring you down

no the highs wont hurt you there."

again

2011-06-17T12:18:00.004+08:00

fuck this shit.

i deserve to be happy and i am going to be.

i will find that faith back because i am awesome like that.

happybeeme.

i know this is going to work.

shakeel and i.

because just look at us,

we can lie in bed the whole day doing nothing and we were happy.

we can sit by the park with $2 cup noodles for dinner and still be happy.

i like this.

Masks

2011-05-18T06:20:00.002+08:00

Is it even possible for words to run out on you? There comes a stage, I'm sure in everyone's life, that when someone asks you "How are you coping? Are you dealing ok?" that you start to realize the most sincere answer you can give them is, "I don't know. Let's just not talk about it." because it's the easier to do as compared to opening your mouth to speak, and then freezing in mid-action. Because... what happens there? Suddenly your mind is swept up in a storm of memories and lighting bolts strike hard at your heart sending shivers of pain down your already-hunched-over-from-the-burden-of-love spine. Do I really not know how I'm feeling? Or have the words just finally run out on me?

It could be both. I DON'T know how I'm feeling, and I DON'T know how to say it. I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy either. Whatever it is I'm just trying to get by the days. Hoping that the more I live and breathe in my zombie-like emotional state, the more used to it I'll be. And then maybe I won't wake up every morning and be surprised by the girl I find in my bed, exhausted and fighting this hard to keep it together. It shouldn't have to be so difficult.

The mask that I've been reaching out for to wear before I leave my house everyday has been begging me to give it a break. Even masks crack sometimes too you know, it tells me. Why don't you pick up the Sweet Girl Mask? Or the Tough Cookie Mask? Or the I'm So Fly Mask? I'm sorry, but this Sexy Goddess Bitch In Control To Distract From Inner Pain Mask is pretty much falling at the seams.

I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do now. Day after day since my last blog post I've been coming to this page to re-read the previous post. Do I still feel that way? Yes i do? Ok, then I'll leave it as that. The blog post still stands. But i do also realize that I've been ignoring it for far too long. Ignoring ME, for far too long. Im sorry, I wish I could blog about how I'm really feeling like I used to. But this sneering blackness has been holding me down. This huge black wave, of nothingness.

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

I just want peace

2011-04-27T06:37:00.002+08:00

It's a dark heaviness my heart's been carrying these days. A sort of blackness in my days that just won't go away. I need the world to think I'm ok. So that they will just leave me alone. There's enough noise inside my head. I'm tired. Some nights I wake up to the darkness in my room, and I realize there's nothing keeping me going anymore. I'm tired of my life. One drama after another. One man after another just here to hurt me. Some nights I just wish that when I close my eyes to sleep, I wouldn't have to wake up and face this loneliness.

I just want it all to go away.

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

maybe i'm amazed

2011-04-18T05:37:00.003+08:00

i miss you so much. i dont know what else to say or how else to start. nothing i can say here, no fanciful writer's language can disguise that one line. i miss you. i miss you so badly. i wish.. i wish sooo much that i can tell you this and not feel so pathetic after saying it to you. i wish that somehow you'll miss me too. i wish it'd mean something to you. it's very lonely nights i've been having.

my dear i miss you so badly. i dont know how else to say it. how will i ever get over you.

i love you

"maybe im afraid of the way i love you.

maybe im amazed at the way you pulled me out of time, hung me on a line.

maybe im amazed at the way i really need you.

maybe you're the only man who could ever have me.

baby wont you help me understand."

silence

2011-04-13T16:17:00.003+08:00

i know. i've been avoiding this page long enough. but i really dont wanna deal with it. i Cannot deal with it, because i dont know how. i feel very....stuck in a limbo. since julian left i dont really know how i'm feeling. i cant tell if im happy or sad. like im NOT happy, but im not sad either. i get angry easier and with more intensity, but that's about it. if im not angry im like how i am now. abit detached from myself. still running my life on auto pilot. but for now, it's working.

i dont really know what i want. cant seem to make decisions about anything and im starting to feel very awkward around men. which is highly strange. i feel lately i hardly feel like talking very much.

you know. i dont know why im writing this. i guess it's because im not happy. but i dont think im sad either. i vmsklrihwe eil hlkairwaeligkja:OUj42[035u294tjE:Lsj ligh nkenflkei hAFI?H il/g

this is what i think. cABENKJ> ceskvrhak.Hil/a yw FUCK THIS

reason why

2011-03-30T18:21:00.003+08:00

so steal the show, and do your best

to cover the tracks that i have left.

i wish you well and hope you find

whatever you're looking for,

the way i might've changed my mind,

but you only showed me the door.

i'll buy a magazine searching for your face,

from coast to coast, or wherever i find my place

i'll track you on the radio

and i'll sign your list in a different name

but as close as i come to you,

it's not the same.

"so i will head out alone, and hope for the best.

and we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes"

relapse

2011-03-26T04:03:00.003+08:00

i thought it was going to lose him today. after almost 7 years.

sigh who am i trying to kid huh... it hurt like hell.

how true they say you never miss your water till the well runs dry.

i never realized what he meant to me until i was about to lose him.

i dont even know what to say.

it pains me to know that he is another man having to suppress their emotions with me.

that they have to think nothing of their feelings for me.

just like how i am nothing.

at the end of the day they all leave, back to something stable. as though i am not.

but him i could not lose.

and i cant explain it either.

it's a relapse, i just cant lose him.

overwhelmed

2011-03-24T01:26:00.002+08:00

sigh.

i dont know what im doing with my life anymore.

i dont know what i want.

no motivation to move me forwards.

im tired.

i feel so detached.

so disengaged from everything.

like my mind, my heart and my body are all separate entities.

all working on separate missions.

one to work.

one to move.

and one hell bent on being numb.

numb.

such a confusing feeling.

.....

" i dream, and then it seems to end. "

gone

2011-03-15T00:07:00.006+08:00

my heart is hurting so much tonight.

i cant decide if i can bring myself to see you off at the airport tmr.

i hate this.

it's so painful to believe that it's finally over.

a part of me really really wants to go.

NEEDS to go.

i need to see you one last time.

my one last chance to memorize the feeling

of your lips on mine,

feel your touch, your skin one final time.

but im so afraid to go.

i cant keep saying Bye to you.

i cant bear to watch you walk away from me knowing that this is it.

julian julian

i love you so much julian

please

i wish you could know what that means.

i wish you could feel all this

i wish it would have made a difference.

i wish you could have given me a chance.

i wish you could hold me forever

i wish i could forever take comfort in you

i wish you'd be here at night when i cry

i wish you'd look at me differently.

i wish you'd think of me sometimes

i wish you'd know.

i wish you could stop my hurting.

i wish you could know how badly i'm falling apart inside.

i wish you'd see how hard i try.

i wish i could have given you more.

i wish i hadnt pissed you off so much.

i wish i could have given you a reason to stay.

"never mind i'll find someone like you

i wish nothing but the best for you too

dont forget me, i beg

i'll remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

nothing compares - no worries or cares

regrets or mistakes, they're memories made

who would have know how bittersweet this would taste."

more heavy hearted nights to come.

2011-03-12T02:40:00.004+08:00

my heart is really heavy tonight. i keep worrying about what would happen once he leaves. i've tried to not think about it and hopefully i'll deal with it when the time came... and before we know it, that time had come all too soon. what am i gonna do when he leaves?

im so unsure of everything.

how should i react when he's leaving?

should we talk?

should we say our goodbyes?

should we find closure?

or should i just keep quiet?

it's just... so painful to think about it. i love him so much, and yet i have to hide and deny it because he doesnt want it. it's so painful to know that i've given and given him so much. time, company, ideas, a space in my room, a room in my heart, everything i am i've given up for him. and yet at the end of it all, he's gonna go back to the life he had in perth and it'll be like i've never existed. no name no face, just a friend he's made in singapore.

it's not just simply the fact that i'm gonna be away from him physically. to me, it symbolizes something bigger than that. it's ending. i've given him so much. a part of me is going to be away from me. i feel like i'm losing him. and yet the irony is that he was never mine to begin with. i feel like nothing to him. and yet this little piece of nothing is gonna be here cleaning up my wounds alone. trying to find back what i had lost to him, because of him. this little piece of nothing, is going to finally be truly truly alone. i've tried to hold on to that smallest flicker of hope in him for so long. but i guess the time has come for my smallest glimpse of hope to leave. and it scares the shit out of me. what am i gonna do?

Me: i love you so much..

Him: i know...too much in fact. but you gotta be fair to yourself.

"i wish nothing but the best for you. don't forget me i beg.

i'll remember you said 'sometimes you last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.' "

fear naught, fear not.

2011-03-05T01:17:00.002+08:00

tonight is one of those night where self-doubt is peaking at it's maximum. one of those night were im unsure about everything, doubting everything, questioning everything, rethinking things, relationships, incidents, morals and values, everything. tonight im nothing but raw emotion. and it sucks.

im scared.

im terrified at the prospect of having to face days and weeks and months without you. of having to wake up without you around. to reach over to your side of the bed to find that you've truly gone away. im so afraid of losing you to the fame and fortune you seek. afraid that one day you're gonna look at me and realize that i have nothing more to give, nothing left in me. scared that if you leave, you'll take along with you a whole part of my heart and it'll get lost together with you. you've always been around physically. much as you hurt me with the things you say and do. at the end of a long day going home to you is all i wanna do. because i'd be seeing you soon, and when that happens everything will be ok. all the stress and tiredness will melt away as long as i can have that few moments in your arms.

what am i gonna do, julian, when you're gone?? will you think of me? miss me? will i ever cross your mind fondly?? do i even matter anymore to you.... i really wonder.

i love you julian.

more than you can ever comprehend.

more than poetry.

more than life.

more than myself.

"you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone."

cheating cheating cheating

2011-03-04T19:29:00.002+08:00

wont somebody come on in and tug at my seams

oh send your armies in of robbers and thieves to steal the state im in.

i dont want it anymore.

"no one's got it all. well im the hero of the story, dont need to be saved."

cards.

2011-02-19T04:56:00.002+08:00

i know ive been hard on myself the past week.

being strong is tiring.

being fiercely strong, is worse.

maybe im trying to cover up something.

i dont know.

i promised myself the world.

and all i have to do is hear your voice for it to all fall apart again.

you broke me.

you.

broke me.

"you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone"

permission to cry, sir

2011-02-17T00:42:00.002+08:00

to you.

hi, it's me again. for the first time im glad that im writing all this to you on my blog instead of talking to you about it. i know that if i were to tell you all this you'd start to get irritated with me and you'll probably have a very rude one-liner comeback. and it hurts like a bitch whenever that happens. it's like suddenly my ears go deaf and my heart stops. and all the words that i had ready to say suddenly slide back down my throat and choke me and all the breath that i have in me gets knocked out. but that's the easy part, because it comes naturally. the hardest part about listening to all your nasty insults is the part where i have to pretend like it doesnt bother me, and then keep quiet about it, knowing that you'll never know how much it hurts. and if i were to ever bring it up, you'll always turn the situation around to make it seem like i was to blame for everything, that it's my fault i fucked up.

you know, i feel like i dont know us anymore. i dont know you, and i sure as hell dont know me. i dont know this person ive become. withdrawn and lonely. ive never felt so worthless ever before. and you wanna know the best part about all this? it's that it was you who made me feel this way. you, the person i love, making me, the person who loves you, feel so much like a whole bunch of nothingness. things that i am, or was, good at...now im not even sure anymore. was i really good at things or did i just Think i was. maybe i deserve this and you had to be the unfortunate one to reveal all these things about me to me. if that is the case, then im sorry you had to put up with someone like me.

you are amazing. you are sooo much like trevor. more than you and i would ever want to admit. in fact, i very honestly believe that trev is slightly better than you in a sense whereby at least he is honest with himself about his feelings, all his shit aside. you just hide and deny everything.

i dont know how you live with yourself, julian. how do you fall asleep always feeling sorry for yourself and wake up feeling like the world owes you a living?? that by some way or another there is someone out there who owes you big time and that they Should help you get what you want. i mean, come on your mom was packing lunches for you all through high school, dont you see how sheltered you are?? all this hurt n disappointment the world is putting you through?? please, welcome to life.

i dont understand why you always have to talk down to and judge all that you dont understand. sigh you know what, im sick of this. sick of trying to talk sense in your stupid stubborn head.

bye.

i dont really know what else to say

2011-02-14T16:25:00.003+08:00

i cant concentrate. today is one of those days where i just wanna be hugged. i just wanna feel protected and comforted today. it's one of those days i just want someone around to spend the day with me at home, alone, lazing around, each doing our own thing. i just wanna feel the physical presence of someone other than my own. i wanna share my space today but....

so i guess im resigning now. my playlist has consisted of one song and one song only. Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again. and it was only today that it suddenly struck me. there is, so much, so much so much pain in this world. and if we boil it down to the bare basic, everyone's fighting for love. fighting for the love of their race, their religion, their families, fighting for their spouses, fighting their partners, fighting for better lives, their love for the material things, for the intangible things, fighting for themselves, fighting BY themselves. fighting fighting fighting everyone is always fighting. and it all boils down to love. L-O-V-E. the most crude and selfish 4 lettered word there could ever be. "love is not selfish, love is not blind" these are words spoken by people who will never need to fight for love the way we lay people do. priests, holy men, spoken by all these wise people who know better than to waste their time on this Love because they know there's no much hope left in the heart of men. it sickens me. how many broken lives do you think there are in this world?? i believe that the intensity of all that hurt and tears combined could melt the sun and flood the oceans.

ive gone back and forth this topic a million and one times. love between parents, love for their child, what you do because of that love, out of that love, despite of that love, love for knowledge, love between siblings, love for a friend, love for a boyfriend, love for a parent. every one of which has failed me miserably time and time again. and i think it's time i get the hint. so im resigning from this game. i really want out. i really just wanna live life like a robot for awhile, to get into the routine of things, to build a foundation for myself for god knows what. i just want my life to be mundane and boring for awhile. i havent had that in awhile and boy im pretty sure that must feel quite nice, or at the very least, have it feel comforting.

im very tired. i do not at all feel like thinking very much today. and i just wanna have some company today. familiar company that it. but i guess i have none. and that is the reality of things that i've gotta learn to accept.

"hang my head, break my heart."

relapse

2011-02-13T01:48:00.003+08:00

hey,

i hope you're having fun in Manilla. it surprises me that tonight, i'd wanna be talking to you because right now, there's really nothing much to say. i dont feel like saying anything to you and i dont feel i care to know anymore. weird huh. but i guess that's what i wanna tell you. that i really cant be fucked to care. and strangely enough, it doesnt bother me no more. i knew this day would come sooner or later and, well, here i am.

despite all this i actually really want you to do well, still. i want you to be the best you can ever be. not that you're gonna believe me when i tell you though, seeing as you trust no one at all. but whatever, it doesnt bother me anymore. as of now, there is only one word to describe what im feeling towards you. Indifference.

yeah im sure there'll be my down days when i'll be missing you like crazy. but i know you need to be away from you in order for you to grow. my dear you really need to find yourself and your identity and learn to be abit more confident of yourself. learn to discover the meaning of life and understand that it's not all about bitterness and revenge. there is so much beauty surrounding us, and yet you refuse to see. you refuse to let the goodness of life enter you but you complain that about how endlessly miserable you are. i dont understand why you always want to be the most miserable one, the most pitiful one around.

i dont feel like there's anything we need to talk about. but i know that i'll need some form of closure with you. and that i cannot let you walk away from all this without at least have you answer all my doubts and questions. i've been playing by your rules for the longest time and it's about time you realize, that you're not the only one in this relationship. ive taken a back seat for way to long now and im tired of it. tired of you. "all your hurt breaking me in two."

i hope you are happy. or at the very least, i hope you find that happiness you are looking for. maybe one day you'll get to read this. maybe one day you'll make the effort to read all the past 9 months worth of post dedicated and devoted to you.

i love you

always and forever,

inez.

"im not the only one, facing the ghost that decide if the fire inside still burns..."

breathe again

2011-02-07T04:44:00.002+08:00

hey,

it's pretty lonely without you here tonight. i feel really tiny sitting on this huge bed alone, like suddenly i dont know where my bearings are. i have to constantly keep reminding myself that things between you and i will never be the same again. and it hurts like a bitch. but it's not like telling you is gonna make any difference because you dont understand. you've never loved anybody other than yourself before. and i feel sad for you.

i wish you could know the joy of giving and loving unconditionally.

yeah sure. very easy for me to say all this now. i know full well the moment i see you this wall is gonna crumble and im gonna be right where we started. which sucks. because i dont understand why despite seeing all these flaws in you i still want you all the same. i still wish only the best for you. i hope whatever you're doing in Manilla is gonna bring you one step closer to your dreams of success. i wish i could be there to cheer you on this race, but you very clearly dont want me around. so i'll disappear for you.

wanna know something? i drove by my mom's place today. well technically, Mike did, twice. my heart was beating so fast and so hard it became abit difficult to breathe after that. its like i miss that place and yet at the same time, i hate it. from then on it was a whole lot of acting on my part. i felt like crumbling to the ground but i knew i had to keep it together because the kids were there and all that. i tried to busy myself with the photography but after awhile it wasnt good enough, so i made my escape. told the guys i was going to walk around and take pictures but instead, i sat by the breakwaters trying to clear my head.

btw the breeze was beautiful. BEAUTIFUL.

i could have really used a Huge hug then. just some place i can bury my head in for awhile. if you werent going to Manilla i could have had you there, but i guess not, and at this stage there's really no point in talking about the what-ifs.

oh....god...i dont know where this post is going. i just...i guess this is the only place i can have a normal conversation with you. oh wow. i just realized how stupid that sounded. normal=typing it out on a blog hoping that you'll read it someday. well done inez, well done. you're officially a fucktard.

i love you.

good luck.

love, sincerely.

inez.

"bags are packed,

but what kinda heart doesnt look back.

all i have, all i need,

he's the air i would kill to breathe.

out of breath im hoping one day,

i'll breathe again."

cold rain, cold me.

2011-01-31T15:07:00.002+08:00

perhaps it's the part in me that needs to constantly try to find something good in everything. constantly trying to find something poetic to bring out. this recent gloom, i must say, is very comforting to me. a huge cold comforting blanket for the world's wounded, blocking out the intruding glare of the sun. c'est la vie. it cant always be sunshine and roses all the time now can it? this is how life should be, always. cold, so that we can learn to find out own warmth, our own strength.

im still in this state of silent sadness. the first thing i do when i get home nowadays is to simply draw the curtains and crawl back into bed. at the very least i take comfort from the fact that i like the person im alone with. i could not have done any better than i have, could not have given more than i already did. never loved so deeply than i have with you and never prayed more for your success that i have for anybody else's.

i miss you.

so much.

... ... ...

i dont know what else to say that i havent already said before. dunno what else to cry about that i havent already bled dry for you. it's the same story repeated over and over again. none of which has ever made any difference to you. nothing that could have ever started getting you to care. or to start getting you to notice me. to realize that i'll always be here to support you, love you, care for you, worry about you, think about you. i can give you the world julian. if only you'd realize that.

"you hold me without touch, keep me without chains.

never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."

i really feel like talking to you tonight.

2011-01-28T02:44:00.003+08:00

hey,

you know, it's like every song that's playing there's a line or two, at the very least, that reminds me of you. and i cant explain this feeling that comes along with it. it's like im no longer angry with you. just, sad. just you make me sad. but it's a different kind of sad. the best description i can come up for it is Quiet Sad. a part of me is still and silent, but it's a silent sadness. see, what a douche i am. i cant even find the right words to describe this.

but this is what we've come to huh? or rather, this is what I'VE come to. i feel like talking to you tonight. i wanna pick up the phone, dial your number, have you pick up and ask me how i am and let's just talk. let's just have a chat about the things that happened today that made you happy. let's talk about the things that gave you hope for the future today. i really wanna hear about it if you dont mind telling me.

and i wanted to tell you, that i was actually genuinely worried that andrea wouldnt be able to handle the lost dog and im so glad that you could go down and help her. and that the director of esplanade remembered my name today and it made me really happy. and that i was so full from dinner cuz i was extra greedy and order a large bowl of mee sua, which i shouldnt have right? and i wanna tell you also how excited i am that you got your TRX and i wanna see it. it made me feel really nice that you said you were gonna bring it down and take me to see how it's done.

do you care about all this?? i mean.....if you dont wanna hear about it then i guess i wont say it anymore. just thought.....maybe...it'd be nice if we could have a chat today. but i guess, this is the best i can do. i dont know where else to go that i can talk to you. and i would love very much if i could do so.

guess i should sign off now. sitting here and stoning with my swollen crying eyes.. it's not gonna make any difference. good luck for your horror movie audition tomorrow. i know you'll be awesome.

love, inez.

"i can cry, but where would that take me. you could lie, and say you were never happy.

the well is dry, we're tired and we're thirsty... "

reintroduction

2011-01-23T03:55:00.004+08:00

well hello, my life is fucked. it has taken me long enough to figure it out. i keep telling myself that im better than that but it never seems to work. keep trying to find excuses as to why things never work out right for me. or worse. sometimes i Dont find excuses and just cry about it. cry about why people leave me. cry about why there are no answers. cry about why it's all always so unfair. cry about all the emotional trauma i have had to go through. just cry. cry...cry...cry...and that is all i do and i am SO sick of it.

why hello again. i dont even know where this post is going anymore.

sometimes when i look at myself i can kinda understand why julian doesnt wanna be with me. i can see why he would rather just me go away and leave him alone. and if even julian doesnt want me i dont see anybody else who can. honestly i dont fall in love very easily. i hate listening to sweet nothings and compeltely dislike doing all that lovey dovey coupley shit. and then suddenly with julian all that changed. im not saying that my opinion's changed, but for all that ive done for him, i dont even feel appreciated. it is so easy for him to turn on me and hate me but i guess i deserve it.

you know im at a stage where im utterly clueless as to what to do. should i want him, should i not. i dont know. i feel like ive got one foot out the door shifting my weight from one side of the boundary to another. back and forth, back and forth. i dont know what's normal anymore.

sigh...julian......why wont you give me answers??? i thought i had them all when we had our little tearful talk on the 3rd of jan. i thought that it meant things were clearing out for me, we're either in, or out. and with all the answers you gave me. honest to goodness i was every bit prepared to end it all. to end this with you because i only wanted you to be happy. but...the moment came and went and you're still here..still standing right before me in all your glory. and if i was confused before im doubly confused now. were you expecting to tell the truth about your feelings about me to me and still stand here and expect me to give you my all?? because for as long as you are in my life i will continue giving and giving my every bit to you because that is what i do. i love and i help and i care for people. and i think you know that very well. if you dont like someone why would you keep going back to see them?? but then again i could just be vain thinking it's me. maybe he's just coming back as a friend to borrow the gym/pool. maybe it's not nothing to do with me at all. i know for a 100% fact that if he had the choice he wouldnt come over, just like the night on christmas. because he doesnt wanna be with me.

urgh fuck that hurts to think about it.

you know what, ive come to my conclusion im just being vain. it's not about me. it never was. apart from the first night i was sick that he stayed over he has not once asked if i was feeling better. he chooses to ignore my messages when i text him when he's out. he doesnt wanna tell me his plans. he can not call or text for days. i doubt i even cross his mind. evwgio ejksfc mas,C FUCK!

please...just give me some answers. if for nothing else, do it because you hate me, because you want me gone. do it for all the times ive helped you with your stuff. do it for all the times that...god i dont even know what times there are shared between us that's genuine anymore.

please. i have asked nothing of you in a long time. except for the occasional hug and kiss.

please julian. sigh, if only you'd know all this. if only it could make any difference.

no start, no end

2011-01-17T02:14:00.003+08:00

such pain to be in love with him as i am. night after night i lay here praying for peace, hoping for the assurance i know i will never get from him. no comfort, no warmth. sigh the utter madness of it. to be pining in my solitude for someone i havent lost, and yet was never mine to begin with.

i cant seem to gather my thoughts right. all i hear ringing in my ears is his voice, playing over and over again the conversation we had on the night of january 3rd. his resounding "No" and how it's been haunting my dreams ever since. i wish i could tell him, to find comfort in his arms, to be able to cry my heart out into his chest, but i know i cant. he will not be bothered because he will not care. and i dont want to always appear to be broken and sad in front of him because i dont want him to show affection to me only because he pities me or feels bad. it's not the same and it makes me feel worse.

honestly, i dont even dare to dream of the idea of him ever wanting me. all i want right now is to be friends again with him. something we skipped being completely, something that we both have no knowledge of how to be. im more than a friend but im definitely not a girlfriend. i dont know what i am to him. saying we're acquaintances would put us in a category far more amiable than we actually are. ....i dont even know if he considers me more than a friend to him anymore. maybe im just friend-with-the-gym/pool. if not for that i cant say i would have seen him as much as i have. i wonder if i have ever crossed his mind fondly. has he ever fallen asleep thinking about me?? i doubt it ever has. and yet i'm giving him my world. such stupidity.

i feel like such a failure. everything i have ever ever loved always ends up leaving me. regardless if it's friends, family, people i look up to, things i treasured, places i love going, friendships i hold dear, anything. i always end up with nothing because they never stay. there obviously has to be something terribly wrong with me, why else would the people i love always leave?? why else would julian hate me so much...thought he says its just him trying to find fault in me, the fact is that there is so much fault in me to be picked out, and it had to be him pick them all.

i know im not perfect, but i've never felt so worthless before.

lack of colour

2011-01-05T06:04:00.003+08:00

it's a bit hard to hold the tears in tonight. i dont wanna spent my nights crying myself to sleep anymore but tonight... i wish, the wall of my room would just cave in on me and hide me forever. i wish the night would last forever.

i tried to imagine myself without you tonight, and i couldn't. life was really beautiful for me once. all i wanted was to share that bit of my life with you. to give you all the love you can ever need. to provide you with all the support you can ever want. to be the greatest fan of your life. to hold you when you're crumbling. to give you every bit of me and still to have more to give.

but you dont want that. you dont even want me and you wont give me a chance to show you all this. you're not happy with me and i hate making you unhappy. i hate myself for doing this to you. im so sorry julian... im sorry i cant be what you want.

i dont know why you hate me so much. ive given and given and given you everything please please believe me please. i dont understand why it's not enough.

i feel really stupid. crying in the darkness and saying all these things to my blog when i wanna be saying it to you instead. it kills me to know you're never gonna read all these because you dont even wanna read my blog anymore.

im tired. i wanna go to sleep now but im afraid that all im gonna do is dream about you, wake up from it crying and look over to your side of the bed to see that you're not here anymore. you're not here to find my hand in the darkness and hold it. even your smell is gone from my pillow.

i love you julian.

and ive never meant anything more in my life.

"i should have give you a reason to stay.."

just a feeling

2011-01-02T22:59:00.002+08:00

julian and i had a talk today. i dont know how or where it came from or what led to it but it happened. cried my eyes out with him, although i tried very very hard to down play alot of things i was feeling. i dont know what difference it'll make. dont know if it Will make any difference at all.

very tired. very drained. very sick of crying. sick of downplaying my emotions all the time.

he said that we can never be the same anymore. the way we used to be before. it kills me. my life is so fucked up. one situation after another my whole fucking life.

if you're reading this my love.

you know i love you. with all my heart and soul i do.

and i only want you to be happy.

but if the only way to make you happy is to let you go away from me,

then that's what needs to be done.

it hurts for me to even think about it.

please...

you have to tell me the day i become too unbearable for you.

you have to just tell me.

i love you...

"it's just a feeling that i have. and i cant believe that it's over."

here we go again

2011-01-01T06:36:00.004+08:00

for the first time ever i think i've got a new year's resolution to make. and by resolution i mean a good and proper resolution that i can, and will, try to keep for 2011. and that is very simply, to be grateful. to be humble, to constantly keep myself in check and just be grateful for the things that i already have, and not be greedy for the things that i know i cannot have. sounds like a tough feat, but very simply put, i just want to start learning to be me again. ive lost so much of me being so engulfed by my men. from adrian to julian. i've morphed myself into something else to fit and compliment them that i've lost myself. i guess perhaps that's what julian wants too. to be free and independently confident.

i guess, i've just reached this point in my life where i'm starting to mellow down. starting to think about things bigger than just my existence, something that usually comes with age. im only 22, well, 23 this year. and yet i feel like ive been through enough. enough drama, enough uncertainty. im done with the burning out early. from here on-forth my life can only go up, since all the drama and problems are all tucked safely out of the way. i guess i was meant to go though these things early and a a young age. i know that it's just the universe's way of setting things in motion for me. it just makes me sad sometimes to know that alot of my friends arent at this stage of life yet. not my girlfriends, not even julian. all of them are so fixeated on the go-getting that i feel sometimes that forget to sit back and be grateful for the things they have instead of always whining about how life is so unfair for them. like how if you miss the bus, then you miss the bus. you know the next one will always come along so why not just accept that and take the chance to sit and appreciate the pause. if you're late, you're late. cuz this is life. it will never go "according to plan". you know, age really is just a number. it is no indication whatsoever of one's mental, spiritual or intellectual and not even medical, strength.

one thing ive realized is that, in all honesty, it's really just how you live your life based on the goals you set for yourself. it's not a competition to see who can push themselves the hardest. nor is it a competition to see who goes through more suffering, or who can get the most pity, who the saddest person is, or who gets the most attention. if you live life that way then you'll always be unhappy because you're always gonna want what you cannot have. and really, that is no way to live. always fixated on the things that you dont get and forget to see the things that you already have. by saying that no way do i mean that you dont always strive for the best. it's good to always have goals set for yourself. but if you dont reach it, dont despair because it is not the end of the world, definitely not by a long shot. as long as you know you gave it your best, that's all you should need to get you through. it doesnt mean you're giving up, it just means you know when and how to set the next goal. if it's not meant to be, it's wont happen. and if you're meant to go through something, you will. however disappointing or painful it may be.

i want to be happy. but i dont have to push myself to try to reach the unattainable. if the world was all happy we would all fall apart because there would be nothing to look forwards to. im just gonna take baby steps and start learning to be grateful for the things i have. for the people that love me. because i know that by being grateful, i will be humbled. and if by now people dont realize that Gratefulness + Humility go hand in hand, then they're just plain selfish. you can only be truly grateful about something when you're humbled by it. so that is where i will start planting my seed of faith. i will start learning to love myself and at the very least be grateful about what i have. i still remember the time before the trevor situation came about, i would wake up every morning feeling like i was on the top of the world because i was so happy for the people in my life and for the simple things like being able to just live life. god i really miss those days.

my world really started falling apart from there. after trevor, was julian- for the rest of the year. i was so focused on what i couldnt get and whining to myself about it that i never once stopped to think that maybe this is just life's way of teaching me something. if its meant to be it will be. if it's not, it's not. who am i to question the greater affinities of life? maybe i was put here to teach him something too. or maybe i'm here to open certain doors for him, or to lend him my golden aura because i cant be selfish here, perhaps he needed it more than i do right now. but whatever the case, we're both here for a reason. and i will start learning to be more grateful and humbled.

i dont know where this year will take me. dont know how it will turn out. yes i know that it will have it's tough moments. i am more than prepared for that. i just want to know that i gave it my best shot and that i am here, ready to tackle it head on. so 2011, here we go again.

"if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of colour here.

please dont worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything.

the spectrum's A to Z."

new year

2010-12-31T00:23:00.004+08:00

welcoming the new year is hardly anything similar to saying happy new year. and because my pretenses are stripped to a bare minimum here, there is no need for me to say anything that i dont mean. finally being in 2011 holds no meaning for me apart from the whole "here we go again" note to self. it's been a really tough year for me. but i will continue to start the year the way i start it every year. by opening my heart to life and being grateful for the people who were there to share my joy during the up moments and there to attempt to half my sorrow during my down moments. i owe it to these people to not let myself fall to the ground in pieces. writing this note every year never ceases to humble me and it's never a bad idea to start the year by counting your blessings and being grateful for them. sometimes, the chance to be able to wake up each day and feel pain so clearly is a sign that you're still sane, still human, and that itself should be celebrated. there is no miracle greater than being alive. so here goes. thank you...

Julian

it's been a tough year for the both of us hasnt it? we've both come a really long way from where we were at this point in time last year. we've had our ups and downs, but regardless, the fact that we both stand here together welcoming the new year has to mean something i hope. i love you so much julian. thank you for being the shoulder i needed to cry on when i was alone. thank you for understanding what it means to be burden by the responsibilities of someone else. for all the nights we sat by the pool and talked and laughed together, for all the nights you hugged me to sleep when i get my really bad nightmares. for all the tender kisses and sweet caresses, for all the times you'd stay over so i didnt have to be alone, they dont go unremembered. there's nothing in the world i could want more than just knowing that there is still that small part of you that wants me too, even though i dont always know if it's there or not. but thank you for just being here, doing what you do to me. good or bad it doesnt matter. at least i have you around. i dont expect love to be requited because i dont need your love as ticket to start loving you. it means a lot to have simply have you as company and that was something i needed the most this year. so even if nothing else matters, thank you for being a friend. i love you.

San Thit

how our friendship has grown. if there could only be one friend that i was allowed to mention in this thank-you post, it would hardly be a chore for me to decide that it should be you. you have been an immense source of strength for me the past year and without you to cry to, to get angry together with, to bitch about with, i think i would have gone crazy by now. i dont know how you manage to be such a great and sincere friend to me and you've never once let me feel like i was alone, ever. even though we go without meeting for weeks at a time, sometimes even months. all your late-night whatsapp messages telling me that you miss us hanging out really knocks into me without fail each time a sense of humbleness - that i will never really be alone because i've got wonderful friends like you around me who will help me up each time. i'm truly blessed to have met you and to have our friendship grow strong and proud together. i am really grateful for all your wise words and retarded moments not just during the past year, but for however long we've known each other. i love you truly and am so fucking grateful for you. as i said last year, you mean more to me than you can ever realize. i hope 2011 will be even more awesome for you. muacks.

To all my other friends, you all deserve a mention too, for simply here in my life, providing me with memories after memories of great fun and laughter. thank you. i hope 2011 will be awesome for you and hopefully bring us closer.

Erin Goh- for all the mahjong games we can ever play. for including me in your family and accepting me as one of your own. you have no idea what that means to me. for all the long walks and talks we've had at your sky garden, for all mee sua we've had, all the ciggies we've pinched off each other. for all the laughing and joking around. for the amazing number of years of friendship we have. that in itself is simply something to be grateful for. thank you.

Mehvish Rasheed - you my darling, are the best person in my life right now to talk philosophy with. regardless if we've having wine and strawberries by the beach, or if it's sharing gossip in our bedroom, or sipping coffee after work together, you never fail to remind me that i have a friend in you. i love all of our long-winded conversations about the mysteries of love and life and the universe. you have been an amazing friend. thank you.

Andrea Paulo - this year has definitely brought us so much closer and despite the sad circumstances under which we got reconnected, im still glad that through those dark times of my year, we were both there for each other to cry and find comfort in. just hanging out by the pool with you or going to the movies with you is enough for me to always have a good time. i am so grateful that i have someone to text with in the middle of the night when i am sad and crying by myself. you were there for me and for that i can not say thank you enough. love you babe. hope things are looking up for you as well.

Kylie Chapman - now although our friendship is still new, it's pretty plain to see that we probably have a long way more to go in our friendship. with you i always have an awesome time because you are so "my kinda people" and i love that. of course it doesnt hurt that we share similar taste in music and in lifestyles and in principles and values and hit off pretty much right away. thank you, for always being there to talk sense into me when you whenever you start seeing me veer off track and you always almost restore my aura for me. thank you for being here with me and here's to many more years coming in our friendship. love you.

Lijin Low - you, along with santhit, have played a huge huge role in my getting on my feet this year. you've watched me break down and fall apart and was still there for me regardless, to talk sense into me, and to talk shit into me making me laugh and forget about my problem for that while. i cannot express my thanks enough for you and san who have acted as the role of my left and right hand men (women), standing strong for me as my pillars of strength. i hope our friendship continues to flourish this coming year because you remind me strongly the importance steadfast girlfriends. love you.

Eastwood Gang - to the whole lot of you, simply put, im glad i met you guys. i am touched and humbled that you would readily open your hearts and houses to me, welcoming me into your lives. all the late nights spent laughing and drinking and joking, all the celebrations and outings we've had with the kids are really really wonderful times that i will never and can never forget. so thank you for that. i know for sure spending the new year's countdown with you guys will be fantastically awesome =)

"and how can i stand here with you, and not be moved by you."

it's a wrap

2010-12-30T03:24:00.005+08:00

so here comes the time of the year where i start of reflect and assess the year that has just gone by, 2010. i can very clearly and very easily state that this year has been a really really awful year for me. there's really no other nicer way to say it and it breaks my heart to know that. it's been really tough this year. i broke up with adrian this year and spent the rest of the year loving a man who doesnt and wouldnt love me back. i spent majority of the year pretending to be a nobody to my special somebody.. this year i probably went through the biggest heartache ever and emotionally i was stretched beyond what i could imagine.

i learnt that there was a limit to my strength and 2010 was the year for me to reach it. for the second time in my life i hit depression. my another all time low. i dunno how much stronger i can be and truthfully, im really glad the year is coming to an end. i really really desperately hope, that 2011 will hold better things for me. better opportunities, better love life, better hopes. at the very least this year i got to see my brother. much as it breaks my heart even more to see and know that i missed out on the growing up of my dearest brother. also, ive kept to my last year's resolution to blog more often because it is healthier for me to not keep things inside, as i have done probably my whole life. this blog has been my only outlet and without it i probably would have attempted suicide earlier.

honestly, this has been a really tough year for me. i dunno how i managed to last this long. from family, to school, to money, to friends, to ex-boyfriends to julian. friends...oh god how they disappoint me. 2010 has brought forward and opened my eyes to the true colours and ugly characters of the friends i once thought were the closest of the lot. i am truly and genuinely disappointed and disgusted. i finally see life for what it is and i am sad that that has happened.d i am only 22. i shoudnt have to know life this year and grow up so fast. this should be the time of my life to enjoy the best perks of life, not see it for the truly jaded and mad place it is. this year has got me jaded beyond words. it's just not fair, but i guess, life's not fair. i have finally lost all faith in humanity.

i dont know what else to say and what else to do. i can only hope, and even then i cant get my hopes high, that 2011 will bring better things for me. i am giving faith to the mysteries of the universe in hopes that it will bring me all that im looking for, peace. because i know only with inner peace can there be joy and happiness. and honestly, that's all i ever wanted.

"all i wanted was you"

tis the season

2010-12-27T09:26:00.003+08:00

things are different this year. there's no nicer way to start this. i broke my yearly ritual by not writing a letter to santa this year. in fact, i dont think i ever will again. there's just too little things i want to be able to create a list, and really, this year, i wanted the most simple of the simplest things. i wanted him. but i guess, a simple request for a complex being doesnt cut it on the list.

i honestly dont really know what to blog about anymore.

he's distancing himself from me. emotionally. and you know what, that's fine. i've given up hope of him ever wanting me anymore. i cant even dream of him trying to like me or ever wanting to hug me or kiss me or even be close to me. sure, we were great once. but that was before. things are broken now and it can never be the same because he doesnt want it to. it seems like he doesnt want anything to do with me apart from my gym and pool facilities. and again, that's fine. i have to learn to accept it although it breaks my heart to know all this. things you cant change you have to learn to accept.

i just wish he would stop hating me so much. stop doing and saying all this hurtful things to me. stop trying to put me down so much just to make himself feel good. what did i do wrong to him that he is able to show such hate to me... i dont know anything anymore. i dont even know the person i've become because of him.

i cant think anymore..

c'est la vie

2010-12-14T04:08:00.003+08:00

i honestly feel like the last time i blogged was like 20 years ago. the last time i even had time to think about anything for the matter. as usual i've been letting my life run on auto pilot and really, im dont know what other way i'd have it. running my life seems like a huge chore right now that i dont wanna deal with. there has been so many opportunities for me to go out and do things and make something of myself, but my heart and mind and body is just way too tired and heavy for it and the weight of it has been keeping me bound tight to my bed. lying in between the sheets and praying for some healing to begin. unfortunately all ive gotten from that is more than a few torturous cold and lonely nights. but with that said, i'd rather spent all the time in the world by myself, than to be out there staring at the world and all the people that fill it and make it such an unpleasant place to be in. the people, our humanity, is going down the drain.

these days i'm just so much more angry. there's so much angst and disgust in me. i'm just so tired of looking at people, and in more recent times, looking at friends, and wondering...why do they do that? why? why are people filled with so much self-indulgence?? it makes me so sad..so so sad to know that at the end of the day it's every man for himself. whatever happened to the love thy neighbour rule anymore?? i dont understand this place. maybe it's this country, maybe it's this government that im hating that makes laws to suppress all this beauty around us. or maybe i'm just angry that people are so uncouth and hypocritical. disgusted with the people who are so one-track minded that they cant be open to receive and accept the mysteries of things that dont understand. sitting by myself in my room in the darkness accompanied by my own misery seems so much more bearable than facing all these plastic people. at the very least, my greatest consolation is that i can live with myself. i can go to bed knowing that i have good and beautiful intentions for the world and it's people.

i am desperate. if by any chance anyone is reading this post, please, this is my desperate plea to the world. please find me someone like me. please find me someone who will and can love and love and love most wholesomely. who would give every bit of their soul away fighting for what they believe in, not caring about how many strings they have to cut away. someone craving for all the negativity in the world to decrease. no more pretentious talk, no more preaching, no more hypocrisy.

i really really need to get away from this crazy place. this place is so full of hate and anger. i need to escape so bad. just someone take me away to a place with vast fields, tall trees, glowing stars, a warming sun, miles and miles of vast emptiness, no tall concrete buildings, no ringing phones, no endless mindless human chatter, none of that. none of that crazy bullshit. a place where a yes means yes and no means no. where hanging out with someone more than usual means-yes we like each other and we're together. a place where people are so full of healthy rich spiritual abundance that they never need to make use of anyone. a place where the past stays in the past and where the future holds bright and beautiful things. a place where emotional baggage gets left at the door. a place so sincere and loving the idea of just being there can bring smiles to the faces of the poor and grieving.

literally i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. looking out my window i see so much beauty in the world, but together with that so much sadness. and the irony of it is people are so caught up in attaining beauty they forget to be happy.

and that, is the sad truth of life =(

Happy Birthday My Love

2010-11-20T23:59:00.002+08:00

In just a mere half hour from now, it will be my dearest julian's bday. Of course I'd love to be spending this special day with him, but I know he'd rather spend this day being by himself in his world of loneliness. So I won't intrude.

Sometimes, despite being always so broken by him, the idea of him simply being who he is really amazes me. I really do love this man. With all my heart, I honestly most sincerely do. I wish I could somehow find a way to project all my love upon him, and open his eyes and heart to beauty of this world, all the time constantly bathing him in pure and genuine love. And he'll see that love can be quite the beautiful thing.

But maybe I'm just not what he wants. Actually, I don't even know what he wants at all. I try not to ask because I know it pisses him off when I do. It would be nice to know if there is any part of him now that might want me the way I want him, but I know that even if there was he would never admit it, therefore I will never know. It's just something I know I have to live with. Something I should have learnt to accept a long time ago.

I don't know if he's just making use of my convenience now. In fact, I don't know anything because he won't give me any answers. Ok maybe not direct answers, but maybe just a reasonable explanation I can understand. Even if it was something simple like "I'm not ready because I'm still hung up" or something. Even if it was brutally honest, at least he's being honest. But from Julian, I don't even have this basic sense of honesty. He doesn't even respect me enough to be honest with me. Yet with all this, I'm still willing to wait by his wall in the cold. I really must be stupid.

My birthday boy with the sunshine heart. He never wants to hug me or kiss me. He's even stopped touching my hair. Falls asleep on his side of the bed by himself. No cuddles, no pillow talk. Tells me I have to pay $200 if I wanted hugs or kisses of any sort and that I shouldn't touch what I couldn't afford. Never gives me any honest answers and doesn't want anyone to know of my existence. He says that I'm putting alot of pressure on him. Which sometimes leaves me in complete bewilderment because for him I have retreated into the furthest corner and literally have asked nothing of him.

But what can I do? All I want is just for him to genuinely wanna be with me. Minus the gym, minus the pool, minus everything else. Someone who will want me for me. Don't know who could ever do that anymore..

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

Half broken dreams

2010-11-08T22:24:00.002+08:00

It's been almost a month since I last blogged, feeling kinda out of it. Feeling kinda out of everything in fact. I almost feel like I've been running my life on auto-pilot and that there are way too many things to worry about right now, like I'm watching myself live through a third person's view. All because I let love take my life over. Dont know how else to handle all this. Guess I've been well on my way heavily down the path of destruction long before I ever realized it.

I feel like there's something missing in my life. Like I've been searching and searching for so long for a kind of acceptance and love from people only to be let down time and time again. I see so clearly what I want, it's always only a few steps away from me but protected behind a thick glass wall. I can see it, just can't touch it and day by day the yearning grows. it's killing me slowly.

Julian, he has been the bane of my existence the past half a year. Everything I do, I do out of love and well wishes for him. I want only the best for him because I want him to soar and go nowhere lower than the very top, cuz that's where he's meant to be. He and his blinding brilliance. But recently I'm just feeling much too drained. How long can I continue giving and giving and bleeding myself dry for him??

Does he really not see all this? I have been reduced to nothing more than his shadow and it's so painful. To have him in my life but to have him shun me and my love away like it's a mad disease that could infect and weaken him. Am I that detestable?? I love being with him and being around him but everyday it's a hurtful reminder of what we really are, of how he will never accept me not because he doesn't know how to, but because he doesn't want to.

It's amazing to me how I can still want him so much. All I want now is just for him to love me whole and full. For once, to hug me because he'd wanna hold me in his arms. To kiss me because he'd wanna show his affection. To at least show me that I mean something to him, even the tiniest bit, would suffice. But to receive nothing at all, after all that I've given for him, and yet at the end of everything feel so unappreciated, is so hurtfully disappointing.

I love him despite all his flaws, despite his selfishness. I only wish he could give me a chance to love him purely and wholly, and for him to love me back with no holds barred.

Even my tears can't flow enough tonight =(

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

the dying light

2010-10-13T17:47:00.002+08:00

the light has gone.

her heart has died.

to keep it going,

to herself she lied.

no more words

and no more rhyme,

could bring her back

to her glowing prime.

those bitter tears,

brought naught but fears.

her heart of once gold,

now a heart of sad cold.

consumed by it all,

and broken by its thrall.

enslaved by your wall,

i am nothing, but your spall.

there is no words left that could describe the agony i'm in. i thought we we had it better. i thought for once, things could change. i was so sure because i saw that bit of change in you, suddenly your heart was open and your mind was free. for the fleeting second i saw a future for the both of us. but with one rumor, one little message, you changed. you fed their need for gossip and became consumed by the worthless needs of the people you dont even trust, and you turned yourself against me, the one person who would never ever do anything to hurt you. i cause you grief you say. grief... my love, i would never....you have taken so much out of me. i am so fucking tired julian..i have given and given you my everything. to a point i have nothing left for myself. i see no hope in me, i feel no warmth left in the things i once seeked comfort from. you've planted seeds of doubt in me and turned me away from my friends. i am more alone than i've ever been in my life. i dont have the energy to keep up this fight anymore. i dont know how to fight for the things i stand for anymore.

i love you.

beautiful girls

2010-10-06T23:31:00.002+08:00

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"if i told you i was perfect i'd be lying, if there's something im not doing babe im trying. i know im no angel, but im not so bad."

is it possible?

2010-10-03T05:50:00.003+08:00

is it really possible to love someone so much??

how do you love someone so much you'd let your whole life revolve around them?

day in and day out you'd think about nothing else but them.

nothing else in the world really matters as long you have them by your side.

is it really possible to cry until your entire being shrivels up in pain?

you'd sit and cry for hours on end until your back and head aches.

how is it that just one other mere human being, can affect you so much?

to a point you'd wish the floor your tears fell on would open up and swallow you.

is it really possible to want someone so much??

to pretend that life goes on as per normal for you when you know it doesnt?

to kiss them and have them kiss you back like it's all good when it's not.

when you know deep down that they dont want you the way you want them.

is it really possible to feel disappointment this deep??

to be all psyched up for something and not have it happen in the end.

what do you do then?

cry and pray in solitude thinking about how things can change so quickly??

is it really possible to be so confused for such a long time??

your day and night has lost it's direction because you dont know what to do.

you're not sure what to feel or how to plan for the future.

all because they wont give you answers that you can understand.

is it really possible to pretend so much when all you wanna do is cry??

when the little untactful things they dont realize they say cut like a blade??

how do you laugh it off when suddenly your breath cuts short and your ears go deaf.

when your expression goes blank, how do you hide it with a smile??

is it possible?

we are all broken people.

all we gotta do is find that one other person who fits.

it may take a few tries,

may take you awhile to figure it out.

but if you stop attempting to lay the pieces side by side,

you'll forever be one single lonely lonesome piece.

and soon enough you'll be lost.

it has never been a matter of CAN.

only a matter of WANT.

i dont know how long it will take you.

but whatever you do remember this.

because yes,

it is possible.

dog days

2010-10-02T05:10:00.002+08:00

tonight i prayed.

i had all the love in the world today.

all except that from the one person whom i want it from the most.

so i prayed.

through the ups and downs,

i held my head up high and with my pride in tact

i whispered with all the strength and sincerely i could muster.

Dear Lord,

Please tell me it's worth it.

Please please please

Tell me it's all worth every minute of it.

Dont let me be broken.

Please dont let me fall.

i love you julian,

i love you so much.

and i want to tell you this so so so badly.

but i dont dare hear those words come out of my mouth.

i dont dare give those words strength.

i dare not tell you what i'm feeling.

i dare...not.

i love you. and that's that.

i wanna scream it to the world how much you mean to me.

how much i feel for you.

i love you i love you I LOVE YOU!

how i wish i could say these words to you and kiss your soft lips all at once.

oh what i'd give for you to want me.

i would go down on my knees

beg and cry and plead at your feet if you'd let me.

if that was enough,

to make you want me too.

i cannot go on pretending that it doesn't bother me..

cannot go acting like this happybee

when inside it is killing me.

killing me to pretend like my love doesnt exist.

i am so afraid that the day you'd want me too,

is the day i give up inside.

i cannot let time play me for a fool again.

please, please tell me it's worth it.

that's all i need to know.

Masked

2010-09-27T06:26:00.002+08:00

I wish I could tell you how much I've changed these 2 weeks you were away. I wish I can explain to you how or what made me change but I can't. Because even I myself don't know what really happened. Something in me just broke, snapped right into two clean halves. I remember saying once to you, that you could very well be the one to make or break me. Well congratulations, cuz you've finally broken me.

I'm so tired of fighting you, your wall. So tired of repeating this same line over and over again like a broken record. So tired of saying I'm tired. Sick of all the questioning. Sick of all the waiting, and so sickened by all the wanting, too in pain from all the endless yearning for you. So I give up. I cannot be bothered to fight anymore. Don't have the strength to keep myself standing any longer.

But you like the change don't you? You who thinks that I've finally become a happy person. Well haven't I told you many times before that I'm a way better actress than you? Now I finally get the chance to put all my good acting into great use, because I for one, am fooling THE actor. Well done me, well done.

You know, I love you so much oh my god if only you knew the number of times I had to bite my tongue so hard that I taste blood just so I will not accidentally blurt it out to you. I wanna tell you so bad but I, like you, am equally afraid of being so even more emotionally attached. You're not the only one you know. So I hold back, and let this inward-ness kill me even more because I know saying it to you won't make any difference. No way in the world are you ever gonna say it back to me, no way you can ever bring yourself to a point where you even feel it to begin with. I'm sorry that I've imposed so much on you, sorry that I had to be the next girl to come along.

I am so jealous of her, the girl before me that you wanted, and will be so jealous of the girl after me, whoever that fucking lucky girl may be, that you will want more.

Beneath this brave happy front of a mask that I'm wearing, i'm dead. I wish you could know this. Wished, with ALL my heart, it could make a difference. But I know it won't. So I won't bother no more...

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

waiting

2010-09-15T17:12:00.002+08:00

i dont know what to do. i feel as though life is mocking me, laughing in my face and feeling the thrill of watching me go through this whole cycle of ups and downs. every time i decide that i wanna stop fighting this sadness, decide to stop fighting him, decide to just let things unfold the way it should and try to be me a happybee, something like that happens. it ALWAYS always happens right the night after and i really, dunno what to do. am i not meant to be happy or what? or is life just putting me to the test...

i honestly wonder who the hell is watching me and having a good laugh about it. i'm so tired of being so down and depressive all the time. i just wanna wake up in the morning and not be reminded of anything. just wanna wake up, be able to draw my curtains, feel the warmth of the sun on my face and feel so utterly grateful for the people around me that i know love me still. i feel like a huge joke, such a huge burden, to them, to him.

i wonder, a year from now, will i look back and laugh at myself?? i really wish i could take a peek into the future, regardless of whether or not the outcome is gonna be to my liking, i just really wanna know the answer. i'm tired of always being strung along and not knowing where to go. i could have never imagined the end of adrian and i. i never did. just the way i cannot picture in my head the idea of jooo and i ending this. i know inevitably, things will for sure come to an end. i only wonder how i will look back and what i will be thinking.

of course i'd wanna be happy about. be grateful still and keep all our sweetest memories warm in my heart. but how happy can i be happy about the end of something i once held so dear? will i be bitter like he is now? will all this worrying and all this letdown poison me the way it's poisoned him? i sure as hell dont wanna look back and ask myself what i was thinking getting involved with a man like him, i really dont.

all i wanna do now is just run into his arms and beg him to hold me tight the way he used to. i hate all this feelings of resentment and animosity between us. i dunno what's bothering him so much that everything i do pisses him off. i dont even know why we started fighting in the first place. 2 hours of going back and forth and a whole night of thinking and crying and here i am still as confused as before. i wish we could just once and for all sit down and talk things out properly. no more hiding, no more avoiding questions, no more cryptic talk. just plain white honesty. sigh...i dunno why he can't just do that.

i hate this.

"so i keep waiting, hiding, masquerading, till your love starts changing baby looking for somebody like me to love."

privatized

2010-09-14T17:30:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling rather ashamed of myself.

how did i lose myself so badly last night?

how did i ever allow my whole world to fall apart like this?

so i am done.

done fighting this.

from hereon out,

i will start trying my very hardest to be a happybee again.

no more tears,

no more comparisons,

no more questions,

no more hope.

i will learn to accept him and his sorrow for all it's worth.

and take it as it comes.

be grateful for the time i've been given with him,

learn to leave all decisions in his hands.

and be patient.

dont question,

dont want more.

i have to start settling into my mind

the concept of

"people cannot know about us"

and to learn to suppress my indignance about it.

to accept it.

and to understand and be prepared

for the day i become too painful for him to bear.

so till then,

i will be a happybee.

i will try my very hardest to hold back the emotions i have.

start learning to freeze this heart of mine,

from the fever of love it's in.

if it's meant to be it will be.

so dont ask so much.

learn to shut up.

just.

learn.

"im what you need, but she's what you want no not me."

crumbling

2010-09-14T02:55:00.005+08:00

[Heartbreak feels the same, no matter who you are.]

i've been sitting here in the dark for the past half an hour staring at an empty blog page. for the first time i'm at a loss for words. i cannot find the words to eloquently explain how much i wanna fall to the floor and die. it's killing me it's eating me up inside and i dont know what to do. i dont feel like filling this space with with my gift of words because tonight, i am gift-less and empty.

i sat before mehvish tonight broken and wanting comfort. i leaned forward to her with my hands clasped tight against my chest because i swear my heart was about to fall out of my body with all this yearning and frustration for someone to feel exactly the anguish i was in. for someone to understand. and i told her almost in tears "i hate it with a passion. i'm about to fall apart i wanna crumble so badly this is driving me crazy it's consuming my life my every thought is nothing but this. what mehv...am i losing my mind???"

she sat up and leaned closer to me too and asked "ok, tell me what i can do to make you feel better." and that was when it struck me. what the fuck was i trying to do, who am i trying to fight?

him? am i still trying to fight his wall?? am i still trying to be a part of his life?? what am i trying so hard to win over? am i trying to prove something to myself or do i really want him for him?? he and his "you always want what you cannot have" notion. miller is his forbidden fruit, and he is mine. it has come to a point where i hate seeing myself in the mirror because every time i see my reflection, it just confuses me even more. what is it about me that he doesn't see?? what about me is so lacking in significance that he simply doesn't want me?? why is he pushing me away with such force?? am i that detestable?? why am i so easy to hate? what is it that makes me so easy to hate and her so easy to love?? what's wrong with me??? what, is wrong, with me?? to quote a lost friend "to hope against all hope is hopeless." why....why am i still wanting him to love me?? why am i still presenting my raw and incomplete heart to him when i know full well he is only gonna turn me away?? am i stupid??

i keep trying to tell myself to give up. everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be, it will be. but it just serves to confuse me more sometimes. if it's meant to be, it will be, isnt it? if we're meant to be then why does he not want me?? and if we're NOT meant to be then why is he here in my life?? why did we meet that fateful night and why did our friendship kick off at such pace?? why?? if everything happens for a reason then what is our reason exactly? what is my purpose of being in his life at such a point? to put him even more in a rut too? and why is HE in my life? to drown me in even more rejection? to prove to me again and again that really, nobody wants me?? no one at all?? HOW FUCKING PATHETIC! i stopped believing in the men in my life and finally the one man i want to believe in, is pushing me away.

but i've given up. i've lost all faith and lost all hope. i dont even know what to believe anymore. all the warm moments i had with him, were they as real to him as they were to me?? when he told me over skype that he falls asleep worrying whether or not i'll stay up all night like a vampire...when he ran his fingers through my hair and told me that he can't not be nice to me...when he pulled me in and kissed my face all over for the first time...when he told me that he wanted to sleep close to me so that he could be here to hold me when i woke from my bad dream...when he brushed my arm at the mee sua place and said that he was starting to believe in me...when he held my face up to his, pressed his soft lips against mine and told me that he knows for a fact that he is better for me than adrian will ever be...how much of it was real??

i'm pretty sure not all were. im very certain that there was a point in time he did all that because he wanted so badly the warmth and the touch of another. simply put, a space filler. and now that the novelty of me was wearing away he starts getting irritated and frustrated with me. at me. and it just...breaks my heart.

im torn. i dont know what i should do. i dont know how to want him less. i dont know....i'll always be living under this shadow of his dear miller. i hate it that i'm paying now for her mistake of not wanting him but i have no choice...it's too late to change anything already. i have no strength left to continue knocking at his wall because all the knocking has bruised and battered me up. im tired of always feeling small and insignificant in front of him.

he really has no idea, how small it makes me feel every time i have to ask for a hug, or a kiss. but how do i tell this to anyone? how do i tell this to my girlfriends?? how will they understand what it feels like to have to beg for a hug and a kiss?? how much lower should i bring myself, how much smaller can i be??

"so i'll take my time and see if your love can be changed. wont rush this fight, cuz i know that your heart's still in pain. ............ you deserve someone who stays. im what you need, but she's what you want, no not me."

marlboro nights

2010-09-12T23:18:00.003+08:00

there's something very comforting about being able to laze around in bed the whole day. as i have been doing. sure when there's nothing to do the mind starts thinking. but sometimes, thinking may not always be a bad thing. i guess it always just boils down to how settled/unsettled one really is. tonight im appreciating a whole lot more the darkness and emptiness of my room and the quiet and stillness of the house.

i spend quite a great deal of time today reading back on past blog posts and past tweets. i dunno, something about it always amazes me. how things change, how an event unfolds, and how unexpected life really is. in my case tonight, reading back on posts and tweets, i was amazed with how friendships changes, about meeting people you dont expect to meet, how feelings can develop so surely and quickly, and how things can end up the way they do.

thinking about that very first night with him still makes me smile. really, how the night turned out to be. there i was, tired and undecided, ready to soak up the love of my girlfriends and trying to hide from the world and all it's predators. never in a million years would i ever have thought, that the world's answer to my hiding, was to give me him. and that night, i escaped, into his arms, his lips, his voice, his eyes, his touch, his company. everything about that night by the steps felt like a dream. the last person i expected to meet that night, was the first person to want to press his soft lips on mine. i am still surprised by how quickly he grew to be my comfort and how our friendship developed and what a strange turn it took. for better or worst i dont know but regardless, i have him here and appreciative of him all the same.

i cant explain this emotion i have for him, nor can i even attempt to try to assess our strange relationship. but i am very very amazed by it still. how can i complain, and why HAVE i been stressing so much about it? how can i have been crying and breaking myself into pieces and expect someone else to love someone like me? how can i expect others to love me if i dont ever love myself first? sigh...love is strange. it is a huge overused, under-understood word. and tonight, my decision seems clearer and more right than ever before. im not saying i wont cry anymore, not saying that i wont hurt anymore because damn i know, if im sticking with him there'll always be more hurt coming my way. all im saying, is that im done. done with the questions, done with the hoping, done with the wanting, done. i will continue helping him, continue loving him, but i've always always got to remember to never expect anything back in return. dont expect any tender kisses no more, no warm embraces, no encouraging words, no loving look, no wanting to move closer to me. nada. i had it once, but the best i can do now is to keep that memory of it as vivid as possible, so that it'll always be enough.

"it's wanting more, it's gonna send me to my knees."

truth

2010-09-07T00:58:00.004+08:00

the truth will set you free. if only you believed that.

i feel like laughing. feel like laughing out loud in disbelieve at my stupidity. i feel like i've been running and running from you, afraid of you and the damage you can cause only to realize that at the end of things, there was never a need to run at all. you, my friend, are truly amazing. only you alone are capable of sending the whole world into this wild goose chase and keep them running on. hats off to you. your capacity for thought and manipulation is ever astounding and i honestly have no idea how you handle that. all the little seeds of lies that you've planted along the way have now grown full-scale and i promise you, the weight of it all is gonna crush you one day. you will not get away with all the lies you've been telling, all the lives you've been destroying. so please, dont be too quick to claim that last laugh.

you know, im past the stage asking what i did wrong in our friendship. i now know that the only problem we ever had was your insecurities and your incapability to be honest. really, if i mean so little to you that you have no problems cutting me off, the go ahead, cut me off completely from your life, i give you full permission to do so. if you would like me to be upset over it for awhile, i could act it out for you till you're pleased if you want. like your parents said, you're like a spoilt little kid wanting that shiny new toy. and there is always gonna be some new toy that you'll want, some shiny new lie you wanna plant somewhere.

i've told you this time and again and i'll tell you now, i respect your wishes. i will continue helping you till the day you tell me "your job is done" and im pretty sure you've got that message conveyed pretty clearly. so fine, i will stop being engulfed by you and start getting a move on in my life. about time i think you do the same. however before i completely forgive myself for being so stupid around you, there are just a few things i would like to clear the air with.

during those months of terror with you i have done nothing but exactly what you want me to. i have said nothing to no one and told no friends about this. if they know, it's only because of your facebook statuses and countdowns that you constantly update, even while on the "run". i have gone by your family's s instruction and tried to keep things within the family as much as possible. dont you dare accuse me of "spreading" the story far and wide because i swear on my life, I DID NOT. all that i have said is the whole and full truth. all the advances you have made on me that make me uncomfortable, try as i may to ignore, it does not mean that i am comfortable with it. i invite you into my company and house to help you and hopefully let your family breathe a little, not for you to try to sleep with me. i do not appreciate that one bit. and lastly, if you would stop for a minute to think about who the misinformed fool really is. instead of getting the truth out me personally you go around trying to "gather" information about me and the people around me and what you get instead is a 3rd/4th/5th-hand recount of what the truth really is, so tell me, who does that make to be MISINFORMED?

the moment you burned the bridges with me i simply turned and walked away while you stand there on your side of the river waiting to see if i would be upset, why? is there a need to? what exactly DO YOU WANT FROM ME? if there is something you're not happy with me about me please tell me straight. do not go about making a mountain out of a molehill and try to stand guard behind some lame excuse and pretend that's why you're angry with me. cuz im not stupid. i know what you're trying to do.

so with that said. i hope you're happy with your life and i, at this point in time, really do still honestly wish you well because i feel really sorry for you. good night.

The boy with the sunshine heart

2010-08-30T19:28:00.004+08:00

i am emotionally unstable.

now i say this with the greatest amount of understanding and respect for myself. that statement wasn't meant to depreciate myself or put myself down. i am simply calling it as it is and yes i am finally going to admit that perhaps, maybe, sometimes, occasionally, pretty often, i am emotionally unstable. why? well i think it's because i let my heart get in the way of alot of things. life for me is ruled by emotions because i cannot have an emotionless aimless heart. how right or how wrong this is i dont know, and i know now that i dont exactly want to know. call me stupid, call me reckless, go ahead and say that i jump into things too quickly. at the very least i dare to face life and tackle the headache and heartache that comes along with it.

i was thinking about alot of stuff on the walk home today. it wasn't an extremely long walk but the walk in my mind was a helluva long one. i was trying to register in my mind all the excitement that went on today, and then that was where it happened. i let my so-far-pretty-well-controlled-heart/mood/emotion fall. dont worry it wasn't a hard fall because i managed to catch it right before i lost track of it, but regardless, a fall is a fall. and that was where i decided to accept the fact that yes maybe i should stop trying to deny it, i am kinda very hopelessly emotionally unstable. my mood, gosh, swings to the opposite ends of the spectrum pretty hard and pretty quickly.

i wonder...is this newfound happiness appropriately called for? or am i just so sick of being so emo and confused over it all the time that i became abit too willing to believe whatever i wanted to believe. is this happy picture that i have in my head all constructed by none other but my own insecure hand? did i paint this picture in my head to trick my mind and heart into believing that there is much more hope that there really is? am i simply deluding myself? honestly there is a huge part of me that already knows the truth that yes perhaps i am. it showed pretty clearly in my aura that a huge part of me is yearning something/someone so greatly but i dont have the guts to go chase after it fully. and that my heart was not fully in the chase due to my own insecurities and lack of self-confidence and self-assurance. therefore explaining that dark patch or sadness and loneliness. and to be quite frank, i am so goddamn sick of it.

i wanna be happy again. i miss that happy me filled with content and joy and compassion and love for the world. appreciative of my friends and the love that they so very generously shower me constantly. i feel like a huge pitiful burden to them now, always being so caught up in my own set of problems. i am so sick of all this.

i honestly DO NOT KNOW what to do now. if i should shut up, tuck away these insecurities and just simply enjoy having an 'US' for what it's all worth. or if i should just flow where the river might take me, very highly and possibly the river will bring me to the edge of that cliff preparing me for the fall, that huge plunge i know sooner or later i'll have to take. will i be able to face my fears then, face the truth then? i cant even FIND the truth now, what more face it. you can make or break me my dear boy-with-the-sunshine-heart. i dare not see what your choice may be. i wanna cry it all out and get it over and done with but i will not, and will never allow myself to be as fearful of life the way you are. i need to be strong for the people i love. i need to be strong for you, stronger than your wall.

[edit/] so what's this? here i am trying to built my wall as high as possible and there she is climbing over it.

to think that i get kept away at arm's length but she can get near enough to climb that wall. so dont complain. because she got close enough to climb that wall because you LET her.

"i've been walking in the same way as i did, missing out the cracks in the pavement."

i need you more than ever tonight

2010-08-29T00:33:00.004+08:00

You've got magic inside your finger tips
its leaking out all over my skin
everytime that i get close to you
your making me weak with the way you
look through those eyes

And all i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above

I remember the way that you move
you're dancing easily through my dreams
its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
you are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

baby i need you to see me,

the way i see you
lovely, wide awake in
the middle of my dreams

how could i have been any luckier, any happier.

and how could i have wanted anything more.

than you lying right next to me tonight.

and to know that i was never really all that alone.

to feel the way you caress my skin

and to be pulled close into you,

and engulfed by your arms,

and feel your calming hand playing with my hair.

i am ever so fucking lucky.

i am above and beyond the moon right now.

you'll never know the kind of effect you have on me.

and the kind of comfort you give

during those night where my head and heart was in a mess,

you were there to dry my tears for me

to have and hold me.

thank you.

"angel of mercy, how did you move me? why am I on my feet again?"

Too much

2010-08-23T16:43:00.000+08:00

It's so hard. It's so painful it's impossible for me to hold it in. I feel like dying from the crushing weight of it. It's so hard having to sit here and know that I have a whole other day to go through. How much longer can I go on pretending? How much longer can I go on wanting, hoping, praying, blindly following.

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

Fearfully painful

2010-08-23T05:04:00.001+08:00

I've been tossing and turning here on my side of the bed for the past 4 hours and as each hour comes and goes, the pain just gets worst. It is no longer pain that will go away with something sweet you might say. It has become pain that I'm fearful of. Seeing your face every morning is such a beautiful way to start my day. But oh if only you knew how it haunts me too.

My dear you have no idea how hard I try. How much acting I have to do when I'm around you, especially on days that all I wanna do is be loved by you. These days are especially hard because my acting has to be upped a notch, all because I know you will never and can never. And these are the days I have to psych myself into not wanting you so much. An incredibly tall feat if you ask me, esp when you're right here smiling straight at me, just barely out of my reach.

Thinking about the excuses you make, god it hurts. I just wished you could be a bit more honest with me. Don't come and tell me it's something that's easier for you to do, putting your arms around her in such a situation. As compared to not doing so and making it more difficult. Because I can so think of more than a couple of instances where we were in that same situation and you chose to do the latter.

But then again I should have realised, what comes naturally for you with her is always only your last option when it comes to me.

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

Time to be honest

2010-08-12T15:40:00.001+08:00

I've been all over the place lately. It's time I sat down and kept myself in check. Time to be honest with myself. Something I haven't tried to be in a long time. Hence, the silence on this page full of tears and fears. Lately I've been afraid to think, afraid to feel, afraid to want to know the truth. I've been too actively trying to shut out a huge part of myself one day I'm gonna lose myself, lose my energy and love for people.

I feel like I'm losing my touch with people and their energies. I'm starting to get annoyed with people and their sorrow. And it shouldn't be that way. Often times I just wanna shake some real sense into them and scream into their faces. It's not fair the world keeps telling me to suck it up and live with it but the others get to drown in their sorrow and take even more of me away with them. It has come to a point where I'm almost sick of loving.

... I dunno. I'm tired and scared of people. Just leave me be..

[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline

Grief stricken moments

2010-08-02T21:13:00.007+08:00

It's a bit difficult to sit here and watch you work and not feel sad. It amazes me how in awe i am with you, how brilliant and talented you are. It's times like this I wished that I came at a different time in your life. I really really honestly wonder if while you were busy being brilliant at what you do, is there any part of you wanting to include me. When you share these stories of awesomeness with me, are you doing it because you'd really wanna include me, or because you know there is someone here to listen.

I am always happy to be included in your life, however small this part may be. Honestly, however strongly you may deny it or believe it false, I believe i am a space-filler in your life. A space-filler gone wrong. And over the months it could not have been clearer to me, you never meant to share any part of your life with me.

I love how awesome you are and I'm blinded by how bright you are. But I can't help but feel immensely sad watching you. Much as I would like to forget everything you said and did, it doesn't work that way. I realized just a minute ago that I am more hurt than I care to admit.

Sometimes I think you forget that I am as much human and vulnerable as your mystery girl, much as our personalities may be so different. And I know there are a million sweetest things you've said to her that you would never ever say to me because it can never and will never come remotely close. Yet without hesitation you'd hurt me with your words, something you'd never do to her. Let's not deny it any further we both know you could never bear to hurt her like that. even to a point sometimes i know you wished that the situation between you and her was different and that it would have been her in my stead. it just saddens me to know that in that fickle moment, i was so easy to hate. while on the other hand, given a lifetime, you could never even hate her as much. sure the moment has passed but still, if the situation was reversed, would you have done the same to her? i dont even think you would be far enough away from her to have gotten that drunk.

But oh well, I have no time left to feel sad because life calls for me to keep it under wraps and smile, however fake it may be. Sometimes, I can be quite the actress too.

[hurting on the go/]-Inezcaroline

gravity gravity gravity

2010-08-02T03:07:00.003+08:00

well, i guess today officially marks the end of my holidays and i cannot even begin to express what a strange emotion running through me tonight. really, the kind of things i've had to go through for me to end up here. an arts management student. what a journey.

a part of me feels very sad, that with management,, im no longer gonna be able to make and create. with management, i'll be the brains behind the creativity and im not sure im ready for that. my life of dance was cut short due to one bad injury after another and i submitted myself to choreography instead. much as i loved it, it was never the same. behind on stage and performing for the crowd was what i loved. not standing behind the curtains wishing i could do everything at once. both choreograph and dance.

once again i find myself in that same spot, with film and management. i dont wanna spend the rest of my life aiding people in their creation. i wanna BE that creativity and produce works to call my own. but i guess, i made the decision and i will just have to suck it up and stick to it.

well, goodbye holidays. you have been harsh on me. welcome, whole life ahead. please be nicer.

"here i am, and i stand so tall, just the way im supposed to be."

arrows

2010-07-31T16:17:00.004+08:00

DEAR YOU,

i wish you could see yourself

and hear the things you say.

i am very very hurt by you.

last night your words and actions

were so filled with anger and contempt,

the most i have ever seen or felt from you.

it was very very

awkward and embarrassing for me

because everyone at the table

saw how sarcastic, mockingly rude and defensive you were

and it was so plain to all that the fight tonight

was directed at me.

and everyone starting talking about it after you left,

which left me ever more confused and awkward.

no i am not angry with you,

because i understand that you were slightly drunk.

but there is no excuse still.

because no drunk man gets away with murder.

it does not change the fact that i was very hurt by you.

by the things you say one after another.

it is still very heavy in my heart

that you called me by her name.

and just a week later,

you do it again.

not with her name this time

but with your words and actions to me in front of your friends

and that has insulted and belittled me.

so well done.

you've got what you wanted isnt it?

to get back at me,

because all i wanted was a place in your life.

together we've cried about our past,

lived for the present,

and planned for the future.

but still with all that you want me kept in the shadows.

so fine i can live with all that.

but i cannot live with all the frustration and blame

that you take out on me.

especially so what you did last night.

you have hurt me so much,

twice over.

..i really dont know what else to say.

i hope you're happy.

FOREVER, INEZ.

in dreams we have it all

2010-07-27T06:00:00.003+08:00

tonight, we were strolling along in the mall, hand in hand, talking about our day, planning for the future and laughing at past mistakes. you were teasing me about my idiosyncrasies, and i grabbed a random dress and played the Would-you-love-me-if..." game with you. then you pulled my hoodie over my head and kissed my hair and said "i cant believe how hot my girlfriend looks". then we went for ice cream. mine all chocolate, yours all vanilla. and we laughed at how funny it looked side by side and how it has always been that way. and then somehow the scene changed. it was no longer you in front of me, and i was no longer laughing. instead i was looking into the sad face of JEL and there was nothing but apologies and tears in the air. someone was crying, someone else was screaming. it was utter chaos. and in the midst of all that i found you standing in a corner watching. and the moment our eyes met i knew, i had lost you already. and i watched you walk away after saying to me "nah...you guys wont last. come on just look at you, what a joke." i was broken by your words and i turned back trying to find jel for comfort but i was too late again, i turned around just in time to see him with that girl in his arms and said "im getting a second chance to start over again with her. im not gonna screw it up with you, like you." and then there was silence....

tonight was one of those nights where my dreams were more vivid than ever. and more haunting. more real than ever before. i am truly, a pathetic mess, really i am. i cant face the truth in reality so i let them haunt me in my sleep. i've given up thinking. singlehood hasnt been kind to me. blah.....i dont even have the strength to think and write. fml.

"dont you think we oughta move along."

just when i thought.

2010-07-25T00:49:00.007+08:00

perfect timing. i thought i had it all figured out. all my doubts cast aside. the perfect decision to start finding my happiness again. but no, with one small moment, one innocent thought, one wrong move, and your guard let down, just for a simple second. ripped my insides out. i actually literally felt that cold shiver run down my spine and felt your hand turn to ice in mine. i feel like i need time to recover. but life is moving a bit too fast for me. the next moment i know the mood has shifted and im surrounded by people. surrounded by laughter and smiles. needing to do this, needing to do that, chores to run, places to be...and i cant take that. i just wanna hide in my room under my sheets and sleep my life away and sleep the hurt away. sleep some long dreamless sleep because even in my dreams im haunted. what i try to run away from and try to hide from the world all collect itself in my sleep and in my dreams they seem more real than anything. memories more vivid. re-living the hurt over and over again. hearing your words echo in my ear and travel down to my gut and force out whatever sheer will for happiness i have left. i need to find my mask again. find the key to that vault again. and lock myself up tight and good. perfectly sealed away from all this. because my dear you are so damn right. the risk it took to bloom was more painful than the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud.

some broken hearts

some words like darts

the crying in the rain

the tears of pain

some words unkind

a misleading sign

a heart of gold

or a heart to fold?

a life to share

or a metered fare.

a hand to hold

my blinded role

two lesser parts

our wounded hearts.

to seek for more?

or to leave it sore?

your choice.

"i've been trying to be where you are. and i've been secretly falling apart unseen. to me, you're strange and you're beautiful. you'd be so perfect with me but you just cant see. you turn every head but you dont see me."

this is not an emo post

2010-07-22T19:52:00.004+08:00

sometimes i think it's quite funny these little moments that i have. these few days life has been good to me because i think i'm starting to get myself back on track with happiness. maybe im not back at that stage where i'm full on contented with life and all that happy bullshit but still, baby steps for now. that's good enough for me. really, the wonders of friends. i may not be at that level of happiness that i want to be just yet but boy am i grateful for all my friends that love me all the same. what would i be without them.

for the first time the other night i lay in bed for the longest time thinking and rethinking my life. what im doing, if im doing any good with it and if i wanna continue doing what i think i wanna do. and i thought, for such a irresponsible and disappointment failure of a daughter i may be i'm actually pretty contented with myself. i know it's not much but like i said, one baby step at a time.

of course i am not without dilemmas. im constantly thinking about what i do, if i made the right decision. film/management? mother/brother? friends/lover-wannabe? happy music/sad music? think/dont think? cry/dont cry? love/dont love? heart on sleeve/ heart in a vault? to give or cry will i live or die you get the drift. soo...yeah. at least i've got the more important things settled and done. the other minor details of my life i will leave it up to nature. whatever happens will happen. and now ive gotta go. ttyl.

have you ever?

2010-07-19T18:57:00.002+08:00

i've been ignoring this for way too long. trying to fill this space on blogspot with tumblr-like little cryptic poems and phrases. but...there's only so much one can run away from. a whole week of this and i feel like it was a lifetime ago i actually sat down to blog anything. very pathetic, but then again, pathetic might as well be my middle name. all i ever seem to be able to do is run away from things that need facing-my family, and my heart. but yes i know i cant keep doing this forever. i can roam the world if i please, it's the insides that i can never leave. and i can bet that guilt will be forever etched in me. until i learn how to face it.

"we're pulling apart and coming together again and again. we're growing apart, but we'll pull it together."

soul meets body

2010-07-18T20:39:00.003+08:00

i do believe it's true,
that there are roads left in both of our shoes.
and if the silence takes you
then i hope it takes me too.

shattered

2010-07-17T04:41:00.003+08:00

i just wanna run, just wanna hide away.
close my heart to your kiss
just wanna leave, don't wanna hear you say

im nothing you wont miss.

losing myself, gaining it back again
my strength giving way to weakness
all that I am, all that I'm meant to be
is melting into bleakness.

"break me open, tear me down into pieces, broken crumbs on the ground..."

Lady dreamer

2010-07-15T03:14:00.003+08:00

the fire that burns within your heart

the pain that tears your life apart

the rain that falls from broken skies

the love i lost beneath the lies.

and must i face the truth alone?

is this the end of all i've known?

the years i gave, the tears i cried.

why dream of love, when love has died?

i was wondering maybe

2010-07-15T02:13:00.003+08:00

i'll boil it down to hormonal imbalance.

i will blame it all on the possibility that it was the week before the time of the month for me, and hopefully that will explain my endless chain of thoughts and mindfucking. you know, i honestly didnt know that thinking could be so tiring. it was so easy for me to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions before. but it's like the more i grew to love and learn, the harder it was for me to do so. this overload of emotions and thoughts are all starting to spill into each other and it's hard to start cleaning up this mess.

a small part of me is kinda happy that i only have 2 weeks left till the end of my holidays. maybe once school starts i can dive myself headfirst into work and then i'll have less time to think of anything else. but another part of me is worried that even if school starts i will not be able to pull myself out of this rut i'm in. all this fear and worry having been etched so deeply into me these 3 months could very possibly have it's toll on me. i need to find myself something to do other than hide from the world in my room all day long. really, it's not that im too lazy to go out or anything, trust me i'll be the first to doll myself up and be all pretty and all. it's just that, now unlike before, i just have neither energy nor courage to go out and face the world anymore. i cant even reply my own brother's email, imagine that. pathetic as i already am i dont quite feel up for having the world remind me even more how pathetic i am.

it's just, i realized, that there are too many people in my life that i need to get closure from. too many questions that have gone unanswered. and all these left hanging for too long have started to decay in me. i am just...way to drained. very tired of pretending to be ok for people. why am i so stupid. i need to learn to be abit more selfish.

and as usual i can't think anymore. my mind is too big a mess to want to sit here and type away.

fjgckvlo p;/ixp'k p'e ke[kti305tu4owty8wncriqhrlh olhls/hGIhioea

unthinkable

2010-07-14T04:40:00.003+08:00

i realized tonight that i was the saddest excuse for a depressive drunk. i hardly ever get drunk, and i only drink with my friends because i was happy and drinking with them only made me happier. i would control myself and always be the responsible one to send my beloved girlfriends home safe one by one. but tonight, i realized different. i realized that recently, what usually starts of as happy drinking always turns me into an emotional wreck. i dont know why or what or how, it just does. and the more i want to cry it out, the more determined i become to hide it and not let that happen.

i was scared tonight. i cant help but remember that fateful friday at butter when i got so fucking drunk i couldnt even remember the things i said or did. at movida tonight i felt myself start to spiral downwards into that same nightmare and i swear, it scared the fuck outta me. what's becoming of me?? i dont even know who i am anymore. who is this girl that gets depressed when she drinks? it's not safe and it's not right. i was this close to sneaking off and grabbing a cab home but i knew that would for sure send me spiraling down to rock bottom so i decided not to. my first attempt of fighting against myself.

it's so hard. i cant do it, it's too difficult. they were asking so many questions, so many things they wanna know that even i dont have answers for, asking me the very same questions i ask myself constantly. i cant handle this, not tonight at least. i know, we've both been hurt by the people we loved the most. but what i really dont get is if i can still, with my last ounce of strength, blindly push myself forwards with nothing but sheer hope, why cant you. so what if at the end of everything it may break you even more, at the very least you tried.

i cant think anymore.

"moment of honesty, someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be? im gonna sit right here and tell you as it comes to me. if you've got something to say, you should say right now."

i would just like to say..

2010-07-11T18:23:00.008+08:00

FUCK YOU

dear you, i am so sick and tired of your games, of your lies and twisted words. of trying to turn everyone against each other just to feel justified. i hate how the problem is ALWAYS everyone else and never you. NEVER you. i hate how you cannot handle the truth and you make yourself feel so victimized all the fucking time. so you think im a fuck up? well im sorry to tell you but it takes a one fuck up to know another. i hope sometimes you stop and learn some forgiveness. learn to let go of things because we are suffering for all your grudges and old scores. i wish you have given me my life when i asked for it. now im sorry because it's too late. i'm taking things into my own hands now and if you dont like it the too bad and fuck off. i played the game nicely by your rules long enough. i am so sick and tired of this, of you. and fuck you for all the bruises scars tears fears and all the blood i've had to shed to feed your need for power and authority. fuck you forever.

FUCK YOU

dear you too. yes fuck you for your cheating. fuck you for denying me and wishing me dead. i am very very tired of trying to be nice every time. i am sick of having to walk on eggshells around you. i dont care how fuck grumpy you are or how bad your day was, SUCK IT UP because the world doesn't owe you a living. oh and before i forget, FUCK YOU for giving up on me. fuck you for walking away from your responsibilities. FUCK YOU for all the promises you made that you never kept. fuck you for lying, for cheating, for the fights that i had to witness. for never putting us first. for walking away. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU

now your turn. fuck you for giving up. for throwing my life into this mess that it was into. fuck you for undermining my feelings all the fucking time. you have your problems too yes i know and i was there for you when you were most down. but you, in the midst of all that drama, forgot me. fuck you for putting every else before me. taking away not just my time, but my heart and my money. for being so fucking egoistic all the time and for bulldozing me over time and time again. i really did love you. but for now, fuck you.

FUCK YOU

to the dearest you. this is for EVERY SINGLE promise that you made that you never kept. for bashing my heart so bad it was never really put back together. fuck you for bringing me on this HUGE roller-coaster ride and at the end of it telling me to fuck off. fuck you for lying to me. fuck you for all the sweet nothings and for making me weak. fuck you for taking my strength away and for finally telling me that all the hopes i had for us, all the nights i spent wishing i was where you are, all meant nothing to you. for always reminding me that i was the other woman and not THE woman because for the longest time, you were THE ONLY one for me. fuck you for turning me away when i most needed someone. fuck you for blinding me with your dazzling heart and glowing spirit. all i wanted was you. but all you wanted was just to fuck me. so fuck you for that.

FUCK YOU

oh you. what else can i say to you that you have not already heard huh? you are selfish and ungrateful. cunning and conniving. you bring people close just to tear them apart with a tighter grip, and to think that you relish in their pain. i hope you're reading this. and i hope it burns you forever for knowing that i don't give a shit about how well connected we are or arent. i GIVE UP on you and i really dont care and cannot be bothered anymore. i hope you rot in your own guilt one day. if that day should come because honestly, from what i've seen, you dont seem to have a conscience. fuck you, for screwing up my life for me. FUCK Y OU.

FUCK YOU

you, you still are a weak spot for me. i think you know that too. but still, fuck you. for turning me invisible. for forgetting that i had a heart once too. fuck you for making me fall. for turning my insides out and then letting me burn. for making me laugh and cry, for bringing me up then down. for stirring this confusion in me and letting it overboil. for confusing me and throwing me into despair. fuck you for not trying. fuck you for not having enough faith in me. you said you would never want to let anyone else feel this way too, but im sorry, never say never because it is already too late. and for all the things you say which hurt that i keep quiet about, fuck you too. fuck you for trying to hide from the world and in the process hiding everything around you. dont you EVER DARE get frustrated with me because i dont do things the way you do to fill your own insecurity gap. i may have put my heart out on the line for you but fuck you, i will not be blinded by love again. it would kill me to have to let you go but if that is what you want, the sont drag this any further and tell me now before i fall any deeper. for not having the courage to stand alongside me, for dragging me along aimlessly, for ignoring my questions and for not having the courage to face my raw heart with yours. fuck you.

and finally,

FUCK YOU.

fuck you for being the biggest letdown around. for being such a huge disappointment. for you for all the years of emotional abuse you put yourself through. for not loving yourself enough. fuck you for always falling for the same mold. fuck you for giving yourself too many chances, for trusting too much. for having such a fucked up life, fuck you. for the past 22 years you have been nothing but a big regret and disappointment even your own family didnt want you anymore. fuck you for being such a failure. fuck you, for being you. fuck you for being different, because people dont want different, they want the common. fuck you for feeling energies, for all the times you got dragged down by people because you love and care too much. fuck you. i wish you lost your heart and i wish you would be alone forever so that you would never be hurt again. fuck you for always breaking promises to yourself. fuck you for always giving. fuck you for not learning to shamelessly keep taking like the rest of the world does. it's a selfish world we live in and fuck you for not realizing that by now.fuck you for letting the world take advantage of you. fuck you for being weak, fuck you for failing, for falling, for loving. it's never worth it because people will only love themselves and nobody else. fuck you for being so naive as to wish to have someone to hold. fuck you for getting your hopes up too high for him for nothing. you know he will only disppoint you. you've been in this posiition before and look what has happened. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU MORE THAN THE REST OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED COMBINED, YOU BLOODY FAILURE.

where words fail, music speaks

2010-07-10T00:33:00.004+08:00

Dear You,

im just gonna say it bluntly.

because there is no way else to say it.

and what im about to say to you,

you may think it stupid.

or maybe even think it untrue.

but i assure you,

it is not.

i have been through my fair share of heartbreaks

and nothing has ever come close,

to what im feeling for you.

i held my tongue on 3 occasions

but tonight i can hold back no more.

i love you.

yes, you confuse me.

and yes, you make me sadder than i have ever been.

but i know too,

that i dont need your heart in return

to start loving you.

i love you regardless.

i hope i have the guts to say this to you one day.

and no,

disclaimer alert,

when i do say it,

you dont need to say anything back.

i already know how you will react.

and i understand.

this is not a question that you have to reply.

it is a fact.

so yeah.

i wanna keep this letter to you brief.

because i know all you're seeing is that 3 small words

big and bold.

so dont panic.

im not expecting anything in return.

only just that you know how i feel.

Dear you,

i love you.

and that's all i have to say to you tonight.

Goodnight,

Inez.

is this me?

2010-07-08T01:17:00.001+08:00

“I used to know this girl

Who gave her love away

To every guy she met
And with all the games they played
She never seemed to cry
She never got upset
And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in
But all of my advances
Were shut down in the end
When days turned into months
I begged her to explain
And this is what she sang

It’s not like I’m a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there’s nothing left to hold
Until there’s nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can’t save me from myself.”

mess of a lifetime

2010-07-08T00:30:00.004+08:00

[edit/] you could be the one to finally break me.

i just want to stop thinking. i feel like there's this huge storm in my heart. heavy with thunder and lightning, and it's just pouring, and pouring, and pouring. and i simply dont know what to do anymore. for once i am at a real lost. completely CLUELESS. i know im right. sometimes saying goodbye really is the only way to make things right. but saying goodbye, it's just too damn difficult to do. and i'm so, so so so so fucking tired of giving up what i love, what i want, for the betterment of things then suffering in silence alone. why cant i be selfish for once???

i dont know what i should do. i feel like, a huge jinx. everything i touch, everything i ever truly wanted, all always taken away from me at the end of the day. nothing good ever comes out of it. i've been through so much heartbreak, so much disappointment, been put through the same situation over and over again with one guy after another. maybe it's time i stop and think, perhaps the problem isnt them. maybe, the problem is me. maybe im a mess so huge that all them leave for that same one reason. i think, perhaps, it's time i remove myself from the situation completely before it fuck things up for everybody even more.

it would kill me, to give him up. i am already trying so damn fucking hard to hold myself together from the two rejections, so that i could be slightly more patched-up for him and not always falling apart at the seams. to lose him, or what i think i have of him, would tear me apart so bad...i know for sure, he will be the one to break me finally. he will be the one to knock me down so hard i never see light of day again. it's not that far off you know. he already has me on my knees. what with the situation going on being as such, it's only a matter of time. i wish he knew how much of the things he absentmindedly says, hurts me. i wished he could feel how strong his wall is, and how tiring it is for me to have to be shouting at the top of my lungs over that wall to him.

i realized today that i was only deluding myself, to put it most plainly. and whatever hopes i had, he, with one simple sentence, dashed it completely. you're not the only one with a haunting past. not the only one trying to deal with a recent heartbreak. please please please, dont forget that. i'm not making you suffer along with me, so i beg you please, dont deny me this for your own selfish needs. it would break me. and you are, already starting to do so.

"you hold me without touch, keep me without chains. never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain."

fractured

2010-07-05T18:14:00.005+08:00

[edit/] sometimes, saying goodbye is the only way of making things right.

sometimes i wonder if i'm good for you.

or maybe you're good for me.

or perhaps,

we'll feed off each other,

and be the best we can be individually.

which is so strange i must say.

here we are.

two lonely lonesome souls,

brought together

by chance and serendipity.

and at the most unlikely of all places,

over a few beers.

i just wished someone told me this was gonna happen.

or just give me the lesson-plan,

and tell me what i was supposed to learn from this.

give me a peep at the bigger picture.

and tell me when my time will be up.

because i'm really tired of guessing.

trying to figure out my role,

and why i'm being put in this situation.

all fucking over again.

i could stop this thinking if you want me to.

but then i'll just be lost in you even more.

drawn in by your beauty,

falling into your gravity,

more and more

each day.

because as broken as you may be,

the very fact that you are bleeding sorrow,

proves how human you still are.

and though your heart may be lost in her,

with full permission,

you have mine to take.

"you're neither friend or foe though i cant seem to let you go. the one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me down. something always brings me back to you. it never takes too long."

strange and beautiful

2010-06-29T03:56:00.005+08:00

there can be no combination of words better than this.

everything that i really want to say to you

all summed up into one sweet song.

so listen good.

I've been watching your world from afar,

I've been trying to be where you are.

I've been secretly falling apart unseen.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful.

You'd be so perfect with me but you just cant see.

You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you.

You'll fall asleep when i put a spell on you.

And when i wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,

And you realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first.

Sometimes the first thing you want never comes.

And I know waiting is all we can do sometimes.

"i've been secretly falling apart, unseen."

go forget you had a heart

2010-06-29T03:26:00.003+08:00

my heart is about to spill out of my chest. my existence is bigger than my physical body can contain and i am bursting, falling apart at the seams and the more i try to salvage this, the more harm i inflict upon it. my life, is about to spill right out over me and overflow into this space i'm in. honest to goodness, i can hardly breathe. but then again, that may just be my asthma at the moment. really, it's the times that im quiet and in my own space that the demons come out to play. and they suck the life force out of me.

there's too much of me people want, too much heart they're taking out of me. too much of myself i have invested into people, too much hope i've placed elsewhere. too much wanting, too much waiting. all this yearning is going to be the death of me. paulo, i am so mad at you. my life was balanced until you came along and screwed things up for me. you took such a huge part of me away with you. you simply HAD to be the catalyst for all this hadnt you? you you you. you started this chain reaction and everything that i thought i had set firm in my life has crumbled because of you. and here i am, suddenly questioning everything i thought was true to me. why. why did it have to be me that you called. fuck you.

"ive been watching your world from afar. i've been trying to be where you are. and i've been secretly falling apart, unseen. you'd be so perfect with me but you just cant see. you turn every head but you dont see me."

permission to cry, sir

2010-06-25T16:48:00.006+08:00

[edit/] "i think about your heart everyday inez, every single day."

it's a good thing that i've been distracted the past few days. after all the mindfucking i put myself through i think it's time i take a break. and so the cycle repeats. we all know what's gonna happen next. i let myself take a break, i become happy, become reminded of how grateful i am for life, get carried away being happy, get tired of being happy, and sink back into another cycle of mindfucking and semi-depression. such is the story of me.

i feel like im in such a weird position right now. completely caught in the middle with everything. and this not knowing where to go, is driving me crazy. a big part of me is telling myself that the smartest thing to do is to go slow and let nature run its course. but i am so damn scared of doing just that. nature has had it's chance to run it's course on me and somehow, instead of progressing, i found myself stuck in this same state of immobility and soon the dust had settled on us the way we were. forever in the middle. i heard once that history always repeats itself, but only because we never listen. honest to goodness i listened! and ya'll bet i've leant my lesson. is there something im missing? something i've overlooked? sometimes i wonder if leaving this to nature is going to cut it. maybe i should try nurture instead.

whatever the case, i've been in this position before and the outcome of the whole situation killed me. how ironic it is, that the one saving grace should start trying to restore me by putting me in the same goddamn situation all over again. is it worth it? i think i should have let myself fall to the ground in pieces. at least we know that all the broken pieces of me are on the floor. it's easier to look for me when im all in one place. cuz right now, heh im so all over the place it's not even funny.

it scares me that i never really knew, or rather, never really realized how scared of us he was until that fateful night i got to see him drunk. it makes me wonder, am i doing him any good? i could feel, so strongly the wall he had built up around him, how defensive he was, all to protect himself and to hide him from the world. i could feel how afraid he was of us, of me. and how he was afraid that i could potentially pry him open and leave him out in the cold. i wish he trusted me abit more. but i completely understand. if it was me, i would be so angry at myself for trusting again, the only person that would have been really worth trusting is really none other than myself. but still, i wished he had stopped for a minute to see that i was hurting as much as he was. for me, the wound is still raw. oh my god, if only he knew.

"don't make me weak" he said.

sigh...if only he knew how weak he had already made me.

"it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?"

mindfucked

2010-06-22T03:40:00.004+08:00

i can never not think of you, never not care about you.

strangely enough, tonight, however i'm feeling refuses to be translated into words. i feel so fucked up. this is not the demon i expected would have come to haunt me tonight. i know there's no point in doing this. nothing's gonna change the situation we're in now. or maybe, the lack-of situation we're in. and though i know things have changed and we should keep whatever we had a memory, i cant help but feel like there are still so many things i wanna do with you. all the things that we had said we would do together, we never got round to really doing them. they will forever be a "what-if" and "should-have" in my life and i hate that. you've been such a huge part of my life. words can't describe the significance you being in my life had for me.

you changed me. somehow when our paths finally crossed you managed to find it in your heart to love this failure of a person. you loved me when i was a nothing and nursed me into a something. and i, found my comfort in you when i was most bruised and battered. you endured my shit together with me when you could have just walked away. you've seen every side of me and i was so comfortable with you. but i guess, we got so lost in love we forgot why we were together in the first place. tonight i miss you, and all these feelings are finally catching up. i am so sorry that i couldnt have been better for you. i hope you're happy.

"this is the deep and dying breath, of this love that we've been working on."

melancholy=sadness seeing lightness

2010-06-21T04:34:00.004+08:00

I must apologize. I have been very preoccupied with tumblr the past few days. like a shiny new toy, tumblr has had my undivided attention but i think it's about the time i sit down and rethink and re-evaluate things in my life. i never let myself get too carried away with something. therefore, dear ole blogspot, you know there's no one i trust more than you and to no one will i pour out as much of my heart and soul into, so here i am. ready to be honest, and ready to face my demons-should they decide to haunt me tonight. and i know that should i break down and cry, you will be here by my side to accompany me through the tears. and on that same note should i end this post happy, you will be here to smile with me and share my joy.

yay to that.

I'll be the first to admit, i've been in a very strange mood the past week. for some reason my heart has decided to start cleaning out it's closet and damn, it's a huge closet and all that baggage that i've been dragging along with me all these years, my heart now wants to get rid off.how fucking convenient. try as i may i simply dont have the strength to keep that closet door from bursting open. trust me, i really try. i feel like suddenly, there's this overload of emotions and sudden rushes of love and affection that i just dont know how to handle, dont know if i should even try to handle in the first place. a small part of me is excited by the idea of making friends with this new rush of emotions, but there is a bigger part that tells me to stop. this very part that questions very softly, "Really inez, you wanna go through all that again?? you know you'll only get tired of trying, and very inevitably you'll be sick and tired of trying to try. you really wanna go through that again?? think again and please dont be stupid. again."

what could i have done? what SHOULD i have been doing?? i've spent the past week being caught in this strange limbo. i'd like to say i was starting to be happy, but after the first few days i got really tired and disgusted with myself for shamelessly lying to the world that i was ok and not being able to admit the truth. but i wouldnt say i was sad either because for one, i had the best company. the only person i wanted by my side, i HAD beside me. waking up to his touch and falling asleep in his arms. i was almost content, almost.

it's like my brain, eyes and heart started this conspiracy against me when i was sleeping in my nightmares. aim of the game-to stir shit in me by bringing up every memory created with all the HIMs with every fucking thing i see and hear. one guy after another the same story repeated over and over again. oh the torture. honestly, my week was spent living in flashbacks. both the sad memories and the "then-happy-now-sad" memories. WITH EVERY FUCKING LITTLE THING I SEE I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. and to make matters worst, to have my current insecurities and uncertainties vying for that same attention in my mind and heart is really, nightmare served up on a silver platter. not to mention that part of me that was feeling utterly grateful and glad i was having the best company ever. couple that with how fucked up i was feeling.

i almost felt like i could burst with the schizophrenic-ness of it. one moment drowning in a sea of memories, another moment, feeling him kiss my forehead ever so gently while holding me in his arms and making me feel so warm and wanted. then another moment feeling sorry for myself that i've never had this kind of affection before, and then the next moment remembering the truth of our situation and all the insecurities rush back and replace the warm feeling i had before. and it just goes round and round and round in a cycle of torrential emotions. sigh, really, if you think you're fucked up, think again.

what a fucking long post this is. well the good news is that i'm not in tears yet. i'm just, very tired and very very sad. the only difference between me and the rest of the world is that i still believe that to be it, you gotta first believe it. therefore, i refuse to believe, refuse to admit to the world that i am so broken. it's just, to you dear blogspot, there are no walls, no need to hide the truth. i feel so completely stripped bare and vulnerable this very moment. i am so fucking glad that in this state of vulnerability i know that i am alone where no one can hurt me. where no one's energy is gonna tap into mine and fuck me up even more. no one's gonna be in my space. no one at all. because i am in an empty fucking house. so i'm gonna crawl into my sheets now and let john mayer drown the sound of my tears.

"cause sometimes i wonder about the outcome of a still verdict-less life. am i living it right?"

dreams

2010-06-19T04:39:00.006+08:00

i woke up to a bad dream with no one on my side.

i was fighting but i just feel too tired.

guess i'm not the fighting kind.

wouldn't mind it if you were by my side,

but you're long gone now.

maybe in a better time you could be my friend.

"where did we go, i dont even know. my strange old face and thinking about those days."

sepia eyes and monochrome heart

2010-06-19T01:54:00.004+08:00

welcome new tumblr.

may our friendship grow.

i hope i'll grow to find you as much of a comfort blogspot has been to me.

"when there's nowhere else to run, is there room for one more sun?"